The Bore Report – Words for Reading

Best Film of the Decade?

2009-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

The best film of the decade is…meh. How do you pick one movie as the best in a ten-year span? It is an impossible task, so I think it would be more fun to discuss the best films of the 2000’s by genre.

Superhero

The Superhero movie genre wasn’t new, but this decade saw more entries than ever before. Where the 90’s housed some of the worst superhero movies ever made, it was the opposite in this decade. In 2000, the first film that showed how well a comic could be adapted was 2000’s X-Men. Finally, after years of development, someone (Brian Singer and crew) figured out how to make the necessary changes to a classic comic book without compromising the core themes, and what made them great. X-Men lead to 2002’s Spider-Man and then we were off to the races. Two high-quality, very successful big-budget superhero movies allowed the genre to grow this decade. I think studios saw that big directors were not needed to make a great superhero movie, and the formula has proven to work pretty well.

X-Men and X2, and Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 are the best of the whimsical, flashy superhero stories. Yet, Spider-Man’s introspection lead to two phenomenal Batman movies that focused on deconstructing the hero. Unbreakable was a great example of this idea. A popular theme from the eighties in comic books was peeking behind the superhero’s mask. The “Watchmen” mini-series changed the comic book industry in the same way X-Men and Spider-Man changed the film genre. Yet, "Watchmen’s" ideas certainly influenced these two films as well as the two Batman films. Finally, Watchmen was adapted into a film which, ironically, borrowed from the films the source material influenced.

So, as this genre had it’s high points: Iron Man, The Incredibles, Sin City; it also suffered low points: X-Men 3, Spider-Man 3, Daredevil, Ghost Rider.

So, my best again are: X-Men and X2, Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Unbreakable, and Watchmen.

Romance

The Romance genre saw an ungodly amount of “romantic comedies,” most of which starring either or both Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. Aside from that, there were a handful of great love stories in the past decade. I tend to enjoy the movies that deconstruct and examine a relationship rather than a “will they? won’t they?” love story.

My favorite movie in this genre was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This movie dismantles a relationship and slowly pieces it back together giving the audience a clear idea of the good and bad moments of love. Another film, I really responded to, The Constant Gardener was a perfect blend of romance and politics. I really liked the idea of a man who assumed things about his wife, and as he investigates her murder, falls in love with her again.

Other notable "romantic" movies I enjoyed: Slumdog Millionaire, Lust/Caution, Once, Brokeback Mountain, Adventureland, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Sci-Fi

There were a few decent Sci-Fi entries this decade and pardon me if I forgot one or two. I am writing this about a month from the release of Avatar. Will it be one of the best Sci-Fi films of the decade? I doubt it. Anyhow, I think Children of Men, Wall-E, and District 9 were the best films in this genre this decade. I would put Watchmen on this list as well, but I’ll keep it in the “Superhero” genre. District 9 was fantastic, original, and creative. I also really enjoyed the gritty, dystopian Children of Men. We sci-fi fans were given 2 new Star Wars prequels this decade. Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Attack of the Clones was just horrible in every way. The acting was bad, special effects over-used, and the story was confusing. On the other hand I enjoyed Revenge of the Sith. Yes, it is unnecessary, but it exists and I was entertained by it. If this were the only prequel, I think Star Wars fans would have been a lot more excited.

Another notable "Sci-Fi" movie was Francis Ford Coppola's Youth After Youth. It's very strange, dark and confusing, but I was engrossed by it. It's like a weirder and much better version of Benjamin Button.

This was a severely overlooked genre this year. But with the success of Star Trek, and the most likely success of Avatar, I hope Sci-fi will be the Superhero genre of the 2010’s.

I still have more genres to roll through. So stay tuned.

Shaking my fist: A few nuggets about what is pissing me off right now

2009-09-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

This is another example of our society trying to hold athletes to a higher standard than ourselves. Serena Williams, and her sister for that matter, are phenomenal tennis players. Most likely the greatest female players ever. Serena lost her cool during that U.S. Open match, no question. Should she be fined for yelling at a referee? Probably, but maybe not. I can only imagine what baseball players or football players say to referees every game with impunity. Yet, the media rushes to vilify Serena Williams for losing her cool. I think the media needs to move on and let it go, the constant analysis and commentary is tiring. It’s funny how it takes an incredibly talented tennis player losing her temper to take attention away from the Yankees or Brett Favre. ESPN! The MTV of sports.

***********

S.C. Rep. Joe Wilson is another guy getting too much attention. Joe Wilson is the Republican from S.C. that heckled Obama during his healthcare speech. The problem I have is that he was forced to apologize. I personally think Wilson is an idiot, and shouldn’t have blurted out ANYTHING during the President’s speech. But he did and why dwell on it? (Wilson was also wrong when he shouted that Obama was lying about illegal immigrants being eligible for healthcare under the bill. Obama stretched the truth here and there, but not about that.) Either way, Wilson shouted, and shouldn’t be forced to apologize. He should just stand by his actions and let we the people judge him.

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Another stupid thing right now is MTV’s outdated awards show and the “shocking unscripted” moment of Kanye West interrupting a 19 year-old girls acceptance speech.

First of all, MTV abandoned music a long time ago. They are more interested in themselves and celebrating dumb behavior and empty personalities.

Secondly, the entire concept of the “Video Music Awards” is a self-serving pat on their own back. Awards are handed to famous people who star in their own music videos, and rarely have any creative involvement. I guess it’s not cool to bring attention to the creative filmmakers who actually make the videos.

Over the years, the popularity of MTV and their awards shows has dwindled. That’s why I have a hard time believing that Kanye West’s interruption wasn’t orchestrated in some way. No one would have been talking about that stupid awards show had Kanye West not interrupted the show. Think about it. MTV has a history of orchestrating “outrageous unscripted” moments (see any other VMA show, Janet Jackson Super Bowl concert.) I don’t believe it for a second. But look who is benefiting. Pretty much everyone involved, Taylor Swift the victim, Kanye the apologetic villain, Beyonce the humble sympathetic matriarch, and MTV the ratings whore.

***********

Anti-Obama protests and the heathcare debate are dominating political news. I’m loving Obama’s presidency right now. I love how hypocritical the conservative right looks right now. The conservative right has organized two big protests now in Obama’s first year practically sponsored by Fox News. I think it’s great. That’s the beauty of America. We get to voice our opinions as loudly as we want. But if you were awake the past eight years, and if you protested the President you were deemed un-American and a traitor. What was the big debate? Starting a unnecessary war with Iraq that we are still fighting. A needless war fought for some erroneous idea that it was for America’s protection.

What are we debating now? Providing healthcare to every citizen in the U.S. It seems warped to me. It seems silly that George Bush was a hero who left our country broke and fighting two wars, and Obama is a villain for trying to come up with a better health plan for us. It shows me that money is more important to conservatives than our own citizens.

I get it. I know conservatives are afraid that it will cost us too much money. Conservatives are scared that the healthcare system will be different. Well, I’d rather my tax dollars help our citizens rather than kill Iraqis. I refuse to believe Obama could come up with ANY plan that conservatives would like. I don’t like ALL of the ideas, but I trust that the doomsayers at FOX News are wrong when they say that the fabric of our nation is under assault. That’s the beauty of America. If the new healthcare system doesn’t work, then we’ll elect someone who has a better idea. I haven’t heard any good ideas out of the right. Just blind opposition.

Crying Wolf

2009-07-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

The news story that has riled me up this week is the one about Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates’ wrongful arrest. The more I read about it, the more ridiculous it gets. There were only two people there when the events unfolded that ended with Gates in jail. There are only two people who can offer a real account of what actually happened. What we can assume from the facts, A Cambridge police officer responded to a possible break-in, Gates was offended that a white police officer would dare ask him to identify himself and acted belligerently towards him. Enough so, presumably, the officer decided to arrest him for disorderly conduct. It sounds like there were people milling around the area watching Gates freak out and to save face, the officer slapped the cuffs on him.

I can understand Gates’ point of view, why should you have to deal with this in your own house. But he twisted the situation into a racist encounter and became unnecessarily defensive. On the surface, it seems like the police officer had no reason to arrest Gates, because all Gates had to do was identify himself and clear up any confusion. But Gates was so desperate to play victim that he made something out of nothing, and waited too long to comply. A cool-headed person, black or white, could have cleared this up without any hubbub.

The internet has turned Gates into a martyr. The oppressed black man under the heel of racist white cops. Continuing to proliferate the mistrust of the police by the black community. You have to dig deep, but there are a few blogs and articles that refuse to champion Gates, and good for them. It seems to me that it is Gates who is the racist.

This wasn’t a case of racial profiling, this was a misunderstanding. How would Gates react if a white officer arrested a black man trying to break into his house? Did it matter to Gates that the description of the suspects were black males, and the officer was just doing his job? Did the accused racist cop race over to the scene so he could oppress the black suspects?

This just wasn’t a case of a white cop oppressing a black man. This is a case of a police officer dealing with an asshole.

I’m not pretending that racism doesn’t exist, just look at the sect within the GOP fanning the flames of the “Obama birth certificate” movement. It just doesn’t help the cause of Anti-racism when you cry wolf and twist any situation into one that fits.

How's your job?

2009-07-08T17:21:00.001-07:00

I watched Walk the Line again recently and was reminded of the moment when he sees the little kid shining shoes which prompts Johnny Cash to write "Get Rhythm." Johnny Cash was not a real cynical guy. He typically looked at the positive aspects of the lives of people. Especially criminals.

The thought that popped into my head when watching that scene was very different than Johnny's. My thoughts are way darker and more cynical. Here is an illustration to show how dark my mind is.

Click to make bigger:

Motivation

2009-07-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about motivation for a second. I have little or none really. My life is a long list of things I’ll get to at some point. I want to get back into painting at some point. I have all the supplies, but have yet to touch brush to canvas. I have a pile of unread books and a pile of unfinished or projects that I have not yet started. I’ve been trying to exercise more regularly, but not often enough. Anyhow, it’s getting to me now that I’m approaching my 29^th year in a few days.

So Monday, I decided to change the game a little. I decided to wake up fifteen minutes early, go on a run, come home a fix my lunch for the day and get to work early so I could leave early. Over the July 4^th weekend I had developed a slight cold so I decided running might not be the best idea with my throat feeling like it was on fire. That fine, it’s a legitimate excuse. Everything else went according to plan. My lunch, which involved baking chicken, was prepared, and I was on my way to work fairly early.

I was 12-15 minutes into my trip when I noticed my car was overheating, a first in the 8+ years I have been driving it. I decided to try to get the car to work and figure out what to do from there. 5 minutes after that decision the engine light popped on and the car lost power and limped along. I was able to get the car off the road and noticed my cell phone battery was only at one bar. It actually held out remarkably well, given all the calls I had to make. I was, funny enough, on an access road full of car dealerships. None of which were Ford, and only one was American. I noticed then I was across the highway from a auto repair shop.

That’s lucky I guess. Like getting shot and stumbling into a hospital. Everything worked out well, and quickly getting the car towed over to the shop. Then the diagnosis. My car had blown a radiator hose, but everything else in my engine will probably suffer the same fate soon. The mechanic pointed out a ton of problems and potential problems with my 8 year old car, totaling over a thousand dollars plus more to come. According to Kelly Blue Book my car is kind of worth $1,600, but it is probably less than half of that. How much money should I pour into an old car? I can afford a new car, with a lot of adjustments to my budget.

After a lengthy discussion we decided to try to live on one car. My wife’s 3 year old car with an outrageous monthly payment. I paid to fix the radiator hose that burst and parked my car where it will sit until I figure out what I want to do.

So do I look at this negatively and say, “Geez, as soon as I get motivated THIS happens.” Or do I just chalk it up to another day of unexpected circumstances and you deal with what is handed to you. It’s tough to stay motivated, I know that much.

The day was up and down. Car broke down, but in front of a repair shop. The problem wasn’t insanely expensive, but there is a lot more work that needs to done. I went to Katie’s Pretzels to get a Garlic Parmesan pretzel, but I forgot the dipping sauce. When I went back to the car, I found a little over 40 cents and ran back and got the pizza sauce. I never did make it into work.

Rant about The Rant

2009-07-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

I listened to the portion of The Rant about MJ, which had a lot of great moments, but I take a lot of umbrage with my cousin’s opinion of Michael Jackson, The Beatles, and popular music in general. He lumped Michael Jackson in a group with Beyonce and Usher in the genre of “Pop” music. Which by his definition is “blandest thing ever” and meant to appeal to the masses.

The whole point of making music, for the most part, is so people will listen to it. A painter paints and a filmmaker makes movies so people will take part in their art. It takes a rare breed of talent to transcend almost every demographic and get the whole world buying your albums by the millions. It’s not something that will ever happen again, not on that level. When you wave off his influence on Pop music, you are ignoring that fact that he did in fact revolutionize “Pop” music, or whatever name you want to give it. The name of the genre is bland, but it’s a moniker that is attempting to describe multi-genre mainstream songs.

Music videos changed because of him. Dancing, concerts, costumes, and yes, music changed after he hit the scene.

“Devo was making 11 minute videos before he made Thriller.”

What?!! That comparison is far from apt. Devo is/was an art project. Devo’s purpose was to be off-putting and to break down convention. Devo took popular songs and twisted them into something unrecognizable. Devo forced you to “get” them. Which is something else entirely. We can’t expect every artist and musician to create projects that shoot for a small audience. The few that do, and do it well like Devo, get the response they seek. Michael Jackson hired a famous film director and made a short film of one of his songs, which is now commonplace. Now music video directors are making the jump to feature films, with varying degrees of success.

Another big part of music is influences. There is always someone who has “done it before.” Especially in the case of The Beatles and Michael Jackson. The same can be said about Elvis, Johnny Cash, The Rolling Stones, or ANY BAND EVER. To brush off the The Beatles because there is a legacy behind them is incredibly arrogant. Again, they are part of a rare breed that can transform a combination of influences into something that transcends race, age, and nationality.

Just because it’s popular doesn’t mean it sucks. There is a lot of popular stuff that sucks, but popularity is not the cause.

Music Video

2009-06-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

I made a music video for "Psycho." I thought it needed one.

Tragic

2009-06-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

We have become a society that feeds on public ridicule. The creative forces behind network and cable television channels have given up on telling original stories and instead create inexpensive, repetitive programs that serve as a platform for the public to point and laugh at our fellow citizens. I suppose it feeds a feeling of superiority, and really requires no commitment of deep thought.

Public ridicule infiltrates our news resources as well. Entertainment news is built on public ridicule, but regular news is guilty as well. It’s not always a bad thing. Oddly enough, we have plenty of stories from this week to use as examples. The story about S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford is an instance where I think the public ridicule is fair. The news is presenting the story as is, and they really aren’t invading a Governor’s privacy any more than they should. With Sanford’s erratic and stupid behavior compared to his political morals, he brought the attention to himself.

The ugly side is what, to me, makes Michael Jackson’s death so tragic. There are a million tributes and opinions and jokes pouring out, and most are probably better than mine will be, but I am deeply saddened by his death. I’m like a lot people my age. I grew up worshiping Michael Jackson. He was the epitome of cool, and his music was amazing. I’m happy to say that my wife and I recently rediscovered Michael Jackson a little over a year ago. The guy just made great music. I don’t know how technically proficient it was, or how thought provoking it was, but he had a knack for writing harmless and entertaining songs that resonated with just about every demographic.

He became Elvis famous. Then he became the butt of everyone’s jokes. Comedians made fun of his voice, his wardrobe, and his personal life. Entertainment news tried to invade every facet of his personal life. I suppose there is no room for eccentricity anymore. Sure the guy was eccentric, he wasn’t the first eccentric celebrity, and he won’t be the last. I understand the attraction, but the fact that he became famous for writing a bunch of songs doesn’t permit us access to his life. Yet the public feeds on the unfortunate aspects of famous people’s lives.

His continued eccentricity gave the entertainment press more material to present so the public could laugh at him. Why is that acceptable? Why is it acceptable that there is a market for the invasion of privacy? I have seen, maybe, one Lindsey Lohan movie; which means I really shouldn’t know who she is. Yet her every move is studied and ridiculed with no abandon. Average people enjoy seeing someone who has written a song or acted in a movie fall down. I know a lot of modern celebrities have done bad things or even committed crimes, but their situations are not really there for any of us to judge.

Michael Jackson is finally getting some respect again, but it comes after years of public ridicule and invasive press coverage. Every hack comedian has made a lot of jokes at his expense, and with continue to do so because he is an easy target.

The tragedy is that Michael Jackson became famous because he was a songwriter. He was so good at it, that everyone wanted a piece of him, and as a result, couldn’t live in our society. You are not allowed to live a normal life if you create something that everyone loves. I really, truly believed that he was on the verge of a comeback. He would release a new album that blew everyone away with a huge world tour to follow. It’s just sad.

The Eric Cartman Project

2009-06-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

My brother and I were watching an interview with the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and one of them made a fascinating point about their show. They write the character of Eric Cartman to be, more or less, unlikable, and in some cases, pure evil. Yet, when he claims something is true, he is typically proven to be correct. So every time I watch South Park, I say to myself: "Cartman is always right." So I decided to undertake what I have called the Eric Cartman project to see how accurate Cartman is over the course of 188 episodes and one movie.

The data I compiled showed that he made 60 total claims. Cartman mostly only made one per episode, but there are a few examples of him making multiple claims in a single episode. Of those 60 claims, I confirmed 41 of them to be correct, which means he is correct 68% of the time. Which verifies Matt and Trey’s claim that Cartman is “usually” right. So now I will go a little further into detail about some of Cartman’s claims and my thought process whether it qualified for the list.

Claims:
Season 1

Episode:
Cartman Gets and Anal Probe

Claim/s:
“Stan throws up every time he talks to Wendy.”

Confirmed?
Yes

The very first episode features the first claim, and is proven immediately.

Episode:
Weight Gain 4000

Claim/s:
“Dolphins live in Igloos”

Confirmed?
No.

He was clearly lying, but it isn’t really debunked either. It's hard to tell when Cartman is lying.

Episode:
Volcano

Claim/s:
“He was in 'Nam”
“He describes Scuzzlebutt. Celery for a hand, Patrick Duffy for a Leg, and weaves baskets.”

Confirmed?
No, Yes

He was lying about being in ‘Nam, but his claim about Scuzzlebutt is the first claim that is really in the spirit of the list. Around a campfire, he describes this monster and it is shown to be absolutely true a little later.

Episode:
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

Claim/s:
“Stan's dog is gay.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He is the first to notice and identify Stan’s dog as being gay.

Episode:
Tom's Rhinoplasty

Claim/s:
“He's 1/4 lesbian.”

Confirmed?
No.

I’m not sure he knows what a lesbian is.

Season 2

Episode:
Chickenlover

Claim/s:
“Poor people tend to live in clusters..”

Confirmed?
Yes.

When Cartman the Cop responds to a domestic disturbance at Kenny’s house and asks who is in the house. Kenny’s father rattles off a long list of people that live with them.

Episode:
Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls

Claim/s:
“Independent Movies are black and white films featuring Gay cowboys eating pudding.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

This is proven when we see a Sundance screening and the movie features gay cowboys eating pudding.

Season 3

Episode:
Rainforest Schmainforest

Claim/s:
“Kyle, and Jews have no rhythm.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

If you watch Kyle, he can’t keep up with the other kids during the group dance.

Episode:
Starvin' Marvin in Space

Claim/s:
“The CIA squeeze your balls until they pop to get you to talk.”

Confirmed?
No.

The kids are tortured by the CIA, but they never perform this act.

Episode:
Red Badge of Gayness

Claim/s:
“The South won the Civil War.”

Confirmed?
Almost.

The plot of this episode is based on Cartman being wrong, but going to great lengths to prove he is right. He leads a group of drunken civil war re-enactors to force Bill Clinton to sign a document declaring the South as the winners of the Civil War.

Episode:
Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus

Claim/s:
“He got his period.”

Confirmed?
No.

This is one of a few times when he is confused about what is actually happening. Hey, he's only 8 years old.

Episode:
The Brown Noise

Claim/s:
“Tells everyone about the "Brown Note"”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He confidently explains that there is a note they can play on their recorders that will make you lose control of your bowels. This is proven at the end of the episode in typical disgusting South Park fashion.

Season 4

Episode:
Cherokee Hair Tampons

Claim/s:
“Milk comes out of his nose when he laughs even if he's not drinking it.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

An odd trait he has that is passed to Kyle when he gets one of Cartman’s kidneys.

Episode:
The Wacky Molestation Adventure

Claim/s:
“If you call the police and tell them your parents "molestered" you, they'll take them away.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

This works so well, every parent is taken away leaving the kids to build their own crude creepy version of “Children of the Corn."

Season 5

Episode:
It Hits The Fan

Claim/s:
“’Meecrob’ is a cursed word.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

The kids look through a tome that lists all of the “Cursed Words” that cause destruction and Cartman points out ‘Meecrob’ among them, confirming an earlier statement.

Episode:
Scott Tenorman Must Die

Claim/s:
“He got his first pubes.”

Confirmed?
No.

Granted, Cartman was fooled, and thus enacts his most evil scheme. I feel this is a turning point for the Cartman character. There is really no going back from here.

Episode:
Proper Condom Use

Claim/s:
“Dogs make ‘milk’.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He’s right, but he doesn’t really know what is going on.

Episode:
Kenny Dies

Claim/s:
“Using stem cells, you can build a Shakey's Pizza.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

This is the big reveal at the end of the episode explaining why he was trying to legalize stem cells.

Season 6

Episode:
Red Hot Catholic Love

Claim/s:
“If you stick food in your butt, you crap out of your mouth.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

His claim is confirmed and serves as the arguably clever metaphor about snobby atheists.

Episode:
Free Hat

Claim/s:
“If you offer a free hat at a meeting, people will show up.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Though he meant something else, putting “Free Hat” on the flyer certainly did get a huge crowd.

Episode:
A Ladder to Heaven

Claim/s:
“Kenny's house has robot guards.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Though it seems ridiculous, Kenny’s house is shown to have Terminator-style robots guarding his house. Hey, the kid was right.

Episode:
The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers

Claim/s:
“Sixth graders hate water.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

The wise wizard Cartman makes this claim and for some reason, the sixth graders can’t cross the river to pursue the kids. They don't want to get, wet and generally don't like water.

Season Seven

Episode:
I'm a Little Bit Country

Claim/s:
“He can make himself have a flashback to see what 1776 was really like.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

It takes several tries, but he finally knocks himself back to 1776.

Episode:
Fat Butt and Pancake Head

Claim/s:
“He can't control his talking Jennifer Lopez hand.”

Confirmed?
No.

You have to respect his commitment, but he reveals at the very end that he was faking the whole thing.

Episode:
Christian Rock Hard

Claim/s:
“If they start a Christian Rock band, Christians will buy a ton of albums.”
“Token has a bass guitar in his basement because his family is black.”
“Token knows how to play the bass, because he is black.”
“If he makes a Christian Rock CD it will go platinum.”

Confirmed?
Yes, Yes, Yes, No.

He is pretty dead on with everything he says. He is surprised in the end that Christian music has a different awards system for album sales. Token is also surprised by Cartman’s accurate knowledge of black culture.

Episode:
Grey Dawn

Claim/s:
“Shutting down Country Kitchen Buffet will defeat the old people.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

His strategy is a winner. Old people can't survive without a consistent early meal.

Season 8

Episode:
Good Times with Weapons

Claim/s:
“Kyle can’t throw away his weapon, because he is a Jew.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Much to Kyle’s surprise, he is unable to throw away his weapon. Cartman truly knows his Jews.

Episode:
The Passion of the Jew

Claim/s:
“The Passion of the Christ" portrays the Jews as evil murderers of Jesus.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He guilts Kyle into watching the movie, causing Kyle to feel the need to apologize to Christians for killing Jesus.

Episode:
Something Wal-Mart This Way Comes

Claim/s:
“Last thing you do before you die, you crap your pants.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Proven twice in hilarious fashion. Also confirmed two seasons later when Chef is killed.

Season 9

Episode:
Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina

Claim/s:
“Jews can't play basketball.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

If Kyle is the example, then Cartman is dead right.

Episode:
Die, Hippie, Die*

Claim/s:
“Hippies are infesting houses.”
“Hippies are gathering for a music jam festival.”

Confirmed?
Yes, Yes. *The entire episode is based on Cartman's correct theory.

In classic South Park form, disaster-film king Roland Emmerich is lampooned. Cartman is the crazed expert predicting a disaster and the authorities not listening, until it is too late. If only they listened to him.

Episode:
Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

Claim/s:
“Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks..”
“Jews also carry a fake bag of gold to trick people from taking it.”

Confirmed?
Yes, Yes.

Cartman really knows his Jews. In payment for saving his life, Cartman orders Kyle to give up his secret gold.

Episode:
Majorine

Claim/s:
The girls have a "device that can see the future."

Confirmed?
Inconclusive.

He is right that the device is in the girls’ possession, but we never see if any of its predictions come true. This is my personal choice for greatest episode, by the way.

Episode:
Ginger Kids

Claim/s:
“Ginger Kids have an incurable disease called "Gingervitis."
“Gingers have no souls.”
“Gingers must avoid sunlight. Some Ginger Kids without freckles can, and they are called ‘Day Walkers.’"

Confirmed?
Yes, Inconclusive, Yes.

A doctor confirms that “Gingervitis” is an actual disease, and the Gingers are seen avoiding the sun. The only question mark is the statement that Gingers have no souls. It seems to be correct, but it is never proven.

Episode:
Trapped in the Closet

Claim/s:
“Anything that is fun costs at least $8”

Confirmed?
Inconclusive.

It seems true, but is not part of the episode.

Season 10

Episode:
Tsst

Claim/s:
“He has several theories about why the nanny doesn't have kids of her own.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Like Hannibal Lector, Cartman turns the tables on the woman from ‘Nanny 911’ by picking her apart psychologically causing her to go insane and quit.

Episode:
Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

Claim/s:
“9/11 was a conspiracy.”
“Kyle was responsible for 9/11, and the urinal deuce.”

Confirmed?
No, No.

In a rare moment, Cartman is wrong about everything. Though he was mislead about 9/11, as we all were.

Episode:
Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy

Claim/s:
“You stick it inside and pee.”

Confirmed?
No.

He claims to know how to have sex, and is wrong. But come on, he’s only 8!

Episode:
Hell on Earth 2006

Claim/s:
“If you say "Biggie Smalls" 3 times in the mirror, he appears.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Amazing how it works every time. You should be careful if you try it at home.

Episode:
Go God Go

Claim/s:
“If he freezes himself, he will wake up in the future.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

It works well, too well.

Season 11

Episode:
Lice Capades

Claim/s:
“Touching a hot wire to someone's blood can tell if they had lice.”

Confirmed?
No.

Imitating what he saw in “The Thing,” Cartman is trying to figure out who had lice. He touches a heated wire to everyone’s blood samples. The test is a fake to frame Kenny. It turns out they all had lice.

Episode:
The Snuke

Claim/s:
“The new kid, Bahir Hassam Abdul Hakeem, is a terrorist.”
“There is a terrorist plot against Hill-Dogg.”

Confirmed?
No, Yes.

Cartman’s instincts are correct that there is a terrorist plot, but he pins it on the new kid because he is a Muslim.

Episode:
Imaginationland: Episode I

Claim/s:
“He saw a Leprechaun”

Confirmed?
Yes.

The movie/trilogy of episodes starts with Cartman betting Kyle that he saw a Leprechaun, and the kids find him. Kyle spends the next two episodes trying to worm out of his end of the bet.

Season 12

Episode:
Tonsil Trouble

Claim/s:
“Magic Johnson has the cure for AIDS.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Cartman convinces Kyle that Magic Johnson has the cure for AIDS. Cartman, Kyle, and Magic all figure out that he does have the cure, only he didn’t know it.

Episode:
The China Probrem

Claim/s:
“China is trying to take over America, and the world.”

Confirmed?
No.

here we see Cartman at his most bigoted. Even though China is trying to rule the world, it is never proven in this episode. What we do learn in this episode is there is a line even Cartman won't cross.

Season 13

Episode:
The Ring

Claim/s:
“Statistically speaking, the most germ-ridden place in the world is the mouth of the American female.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

We learn this at the end of the episode after Kenny dies from an STD contracted from his new girlfriend.

Episode:
Margaritaville

Claim/s:
“The Jews have hidden all of the money away in their Jew caves.”

Confirmed?
No.

We never see any Jew caves, but I assume he was just lying and trying to incite violence against them.

Episode:
Fatbeard

Claim/s:
“Somolia is a land where they can have pirate adventures on the high seas.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

They teach those Somoli’s a thing or two about how to be a pirate.

Movie: South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

Claim/s:
“You can't light a fart on fire.”
“More people will come to the meeting if the flier says "punch and pie" will be there.”

Confirmed?
No, Yes.

Kenny is killed proving you can light a fart on fire. And a few people leave their meeting in disgust when they find no punch or pie.

The Bump

2009-06-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

Things Cell Phones Have Ruined

2009-06-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Cell phones have a lot of good uses, but I think they have ruined a few things too.

1. Terminology. Sure, there are new terms that come with new technology, but I miss the old terms. Endearing terms such as “Get on the blower and ask for Ron.” “I was on the horn with Dave…” “Patch me through to Kansas City…”

2. Movie plots. They have to nullify the cell phones in the movies and shows now. The writers have to cause a low battery, or just destroy the phone altogether. Sometimes we get the lack of a signal, but if Verizon wireless commercials have taught us anything, no signals are just implausible. Cell phones ruin most plot ideas, because a lot of situations can be handled with a simple phone call, especially when stranded.

3. Driving. Having a “car phone” was once a luxury. Now, cell phones are “everywhere phones.” The prestige is gone. But the quality of driving has gone way down now that most people talk on the phone while driving. Floridians have been bumped from number one atop the bad drivers list. Now when you are cut off in a parking lot, instead of saying, “Stupid Florida drivers!” it is invariably someone on the phone.

4. Watches. The utilitarian purpose of the watch has disappeared and now serves only as a fashion choice. I have refused to wear a watch for years now, due mostly to feeling uncomfortable wearing them around my wrist. Plus, there are very few places where you go that don’t have a clock nearby. The cell phone not only has a clock, as well they have several of the only features watches could boast. Stopwatch, alarm, and a calculator, just to name a few.

5. Grammar. Thanks to “texting”, grammar has been ruined. The fact that you have to press each number on the keypad several times to type a message on most phones has created a need to simplify already brief notes with abbreviations and numbers. “I’ll get back 2 U,” “C U THERE,” are prime examples. I understand the necessity of short-handing messages when you are in a hurry. But the proclivity to abbreviate has crept into messages typed on computer keyboards. What is the excuse for shortening messages when you have all the keys available to you? Laziness, that’s what.

6. Answering machines. Caller ID is an accomplice, but all cell phones come with voicemail, thus rendering the answering machine obsolete. When one comes home, there is nothing exciting waiting for you. The charm of coming through the door was the anticipation of seeing that blinking red light, a beacon telling you someone might care about you. Now you have to carry your unringing phone around with you, a constant reminder that no one cares.

7. Flashlights. Wasn’t that the charm of being in the dark? When a thunderstorm knocked out the lights, you’d have to fumble around for your trusty flashlight. Now you just use the powerful LED’s to find the candles. Why own a flashlight? Can you check the weather report with a flashlight?

8. Bad behavior. Now with cell phones everywhere, we have to assume still and video cameras are as well. If you were having a bad day and flew off the handle and decided to throw an entire race of people under the bus, or worse, spilled something all over yourself, prepare to be documented and posted on the internet. There was a time when embarrassing moments stayed private.

9. Leg twitches. Remember how your leg used to twitch and you just ignored it? Now it builds false hope that your phone is vibrating. Upon checking, your still unringing phone serves as a reminder that no one cares.

10. Psychotics. Remember when those charming homeless men and women would ramble and rant in loud or quiet voices as they shuffled up or down the street? Suddenly, well dressed men and women seemed to suffer the same problem. They were popping up in parking lots, malls, and grocery stores. It was the advent of the Bluetooth headset causing this. Now anyone can have a seemingly one-way conversation anywhere they wanted. Now the crazy homeless are ignored, because it is presumed that they are on an important call.

Thanks, but No Thanks

2009-05-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

I started receiving issues of Rolling Stone randomly a few months ago. Who knows why, probably something I signed up for on the internet unwittingly. Aside from the idea that I might be charged for something I didn’t order, it’s Rolling Stone. I’m not a fan of the magazine anymore than I am a fan of MTV, VH1, or any other contemporary music news vehicles. I flipped through the three issues not really connecting with anything. I found myself disagreeing with their movie reviews, and generally finding nothing interesting to read.

The past cover stories include Lil Wayne (never heard a single song of his), Kings of Leon (2 great albums, a third that has it's moments, and a current CD I really can't get into), Green Day (who cares really?), and the current issue stars Lady Gaga. With a name like that, how can it be bad? But She is. Lady Gaga is a disco nightmare that looks like she fell backwards out of David Bowie's ass.

I don’t think I have sophisticated tastes in music, but I really don’t follow what is currently going on. I listen to a lot of old stuff, and Rolling Stone doesn’t really dedicate itself to my tastes. Anyhow, it seemed like I was receiving a full year’s subscription for free. I guess I have shown myself that free stuff isn’t always a good thing. I sent them a email to cancel my free subscription. I can only compare it to and unlikely scenario where a mystery deliveryman would bring me a free Big Mac combo meal with a large Coke once a month with no strings attached. I’m pretty sure I would turn him down, in an awkward polite conversation where he would leave my office, bewildered with greasy McDonalds bag still in tow.

Beware the Beggars

2009-05-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, three of us returned from lunch to find the entrance to our employee parking lot blocked by a large, white mini-van. The woman inside the van was talking to an old lady walking away from the employee parking lot through her passenger-side window. The conversation was taking a little too long, and we assumed perhaps the van driver didn’t know we were stuck behind her waiting to pull into the lot. So the driver of our car beep his horn as quietly and politely as possible. As soon as this happened the old lady approached our car and began to tell us that the woman in the van was warning her that a panhandler was in the area begging for change. I was expecting to hear, "There's a hobgoblin about. Beware that he may suck you of your life precious."

We all started laughing at how ridiculous that was, and were now able to park thanks to the “heroic” van driver moving out of the way. On our way towards our building, about 150 feet from the parking lot, with plenty of other pedestrians out and about. The van driver had pulled back around to exit the parking area and resumed her conversation with the old lady. As we walked past, the van driver got my attention and asked if the old lady could walk with us, because there was a panhandler in the area. Again we laughed and said she could follow us. As we walked the old lady spotted the guy, about 50 feet away bugging some guy. “There he is, green shirt.”

What I am wondering, why did the conversation take so long? And in two parts? How much is there to tell someone about avoiding a dude begging for change? Have they never been in Durham before? This woman driving the van must have felt pretty good about herself. I’m sure that she’ll go home tonight, and start making chicken parmesan while her husband nurses his third scotch and water. He’ll be trying to hear the Weather Channel over his wife’s lengthy story about “this panhandler down at Brightleaf bugging people for money.” “I just had to do something.”

Do you know what to do when you encounter a panhandler? Ignore them. If that doesn’t work, tell them you don’t have anything. I like to pretend that I am on my phone, sometimes. Maybe, if I had friends, I would actually be on a call one day. I can only fix one thing at a time.

Mailed in design from Terminator Salvation

2009-05-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

The ultimate nit-picky complaints I have for Terminator Salvation are things that bother me, and probably no one else. The opening credits were created by Imaginary Forces, who have done amazing work on movies in the past. Terminator Salvation's opening titles do not represent their best work, and it featured what I thought was an annoying error that undercut the whole sequence.

The title design was a logo build, much like the first Terminator, and the sequels. It is definitely an homage to the first title sequence when the title "Terminator" is unreadable in the background as the credits roll, until at the proper moment the full title reveals itself in all it's awesome glory. If done effectively, it sets the tone for the movie. One of the best examples of this technique is the title design for Alien (not done by Saul Bass, thanks Ken). While the film's title is being slowly revealed, it builds anticipation.

So with Terminator Salvation, the cast is credited in the foreground while we see giant metal letters slowly rotating in the background. I found it sort of understated, but that's not a bad thing. After the lead actors are credited, they display the title of the movie. But the credits continue to roll over the giant metal letters.

After everyone is credited, the giant metal letters fly back to reveal:

the title of the movie again. If the point is to build anticipation, these credits did not. They seemed unimaginative. I was really annoyed by the lack of direction, but had the rest of the movie been good, I would have most likely ignored it. You can view the opening titles here.

The other problem I had was with some of the effects. I think we are in an age of cinema where each summer the bar is raised higher and higher in the world of special effects. The Terminator movies have always been pioneers in creating scenes, characters, and sequences that require groundbreaking effects. We have James Cameron to thank for that. Love him or hate him, he makes ambitious choices to make his films state-of-the-art.

Many of the effects in Terminator Salvation were great. I feel that some of the smaller effects were done poorly. Here is an example here of a simple rotoscope with one of the characters discovering the destroyed city of Los Angeles.

If you can't see what I'm pointing out, I posted the full size images here and here. It just looks hacky to me. This seems like a simple shot, but the edges around the character are soft and unnatural. Yes, Lord of the Rings had some issues as well, but the movie was good so it gets a pass. They must have been under a time crunch or something. It looks pretty bad.

There is no Salvation

2009-05-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

A review of "Terminator Salvation." If you haven't seen it, don't read this unless you don't care about spoilers.

This was an interesting movie to me from very early on. As soon as Terminator 3 hit the theaters, there was talk of making a new trilogy based in the apocalyptic future where John Conner leads the human resistance against the evil robots. When the great McG was hired to make the first film, I pretty much wrote off any possibility that this would be good. I mean, McG has made three, or so, movies including two Charlie’s Angels films and a football movie that I did not see, but not because of McG. It just looked like a future $4.99 DVD at Target. His style reflects a background filming music videos, where it is assumed your attention struggles to span 2 seconds before you are bored.

Then came the trailers. I was shocked. Could this movie actually be good? The special effects looked amazing, and the drama and action seemed like it was all in tact. I read Christian Bale refused to be in this movie unless the script was good. So they hired some writers to give the script a facelift. Notably, Shawn Ryan (The Shield), Paul Haggis (Casino Royale, Million Dollar Baby), and Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento).

So was it any good? I guess it depends on who you ask. I didn’t like it. It had a few spectacular action sequences, and little else. The acting was terrible, the story was confusing, and it lacked character development. That is the problem when you are trying to make a sequel to an established story with a cemented ending. I thought they were stupid to try and make a third Terminator movie. I thought it worked because it was “under-done” and it didn’t take itself too seriously. When I say it was “under-done,” I feel that they didn’t try to do too much. It could have gotten confusing and lost in the time travel story, but they kept it minimal and fun. Oh, and it had one big element Terminator Salvation lacked: ARNOLD! He was the BIG reason any of these movies were any good. A brooding, shouty Christian Bale is a poor substitute for Arnold’s robotic charm.

The acting was pretty much awful, and ironically robotic. The kid that played the young Kyle Reese was great, and he was about the only one trying. Christian Bale seemed motivated only by getting to yell and then waiting to yell. Bryce Dallas Howard had two lines and had no relationship with her husband, John Conner, a fault of the writers not giving her a decent character to work with. Common, a rapper, and Moon Bloodgood, a non-rapper, were both terrible, botching most of their limited scenes. I don’t know, I liked that the second and third movies were about humanizing a murderous robot, and I hated that the fourth movie was about watching humans turn into robots.

Another thing I disliked was how high-tech the human resistance was. In the previous films, the future is shown briefly and it seems like the humans are barely scraping by, with minimal technology. This movie had the human resistance piloting jets, helicopters and a submarine (all of which are subsequently destroyed). They had computers with sophisticated tracking equipment. Wasn’t the whole point of the first three movies man’s dependence on machines backfiring? So why are they still relying on technology to fight technology?

Dentist appointment

2009-03-05T12:25:00.001-08:00

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. I never brush right before an appointment. As a kid I was always forced to brush right before the dentist as if some last minute effort will erase 6 months of abuse. I don’t want to go to a dentist that is fooled by a last minute brush. I remember a while ago I was in the private/public restroom where I work and one of the Duke employees was brushing teeth when I walked in. He paused and felt compelled to reveal to me his insecurity, that he was going to a dental appointment. Why do people feel compelled to express their insecurities to strangers? It’s not like he was washing off a pair of bloody gloves.

Parents and their excuses...

2009-02-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

I think we can all agree that there are a lot of idiots in the world. Among the population of idiots are idiots with children. I want to point out that there are a ton of great people with great children. I'm only talking about the idiots.

In this example, which I saw in a clip from the Today Show on Hulu.com, there is a public outcry over a British children's show hosted by a woman missing half of her arm. There have been many incidents like this in America, but this one really pissed me off. In the few clips I saw of this host, she didn't swear, kill anyone, or take steroids. This is just another example of parents wanting to make everything safe and bland so their children can "understand" it. Children "undertand" very little on their own. They understand what they are taught, which typically parents are supposed to do. If your child "doesn't understand" why the TV host is missing her arm, then that is YOUR failure.

Your child will understand it, unless you are an idiot. What if Uncle Joe goes off to war and gets his arm blown off. What now? Do we outcast Uncle Joe because little Sally is incapable of understanding?

We live in a society where an attempt is made to baby-proof everything. A simple rating system for movies isn't good enough because we have to know exactly WHY something is rated R. Nothing offensive can be broadcast on TV or the radio lest our poor children get exposed to something they cannot understand. What then? You may have to figure out a way to explain it by, I don't know, talking to your child. Like comic genius Louis C.K. said, "two guys are in love and can't get married because you can't talk to you kid for five minutes?"

Stupid people need to stop having children.

Poster Design

2008-12-02T19:48:00.001-08:00

I've been meaning to gripe about this for a few weeks and I finally have time. Yahoo! News had a "story" about a possible Wonder Woman movie starring the girl from Transformers Megan Fox spurred on by some website revealing a teaser poster piece by piece over a five day period. Eventually revealing this image:

The Yahoo! story basically said "Fans fooled by fake Wonder Woman poster." Really? Did anyone actually look at it? I ventured over to the site to grab this image and the self-serving Photoshop user and poster creator has several quotes that are not necessarily compliments plastered on his front page in an attempt to milk his brief fame. He has the posters you can see, and then a section for how he did it, and why he did it.

Before I get into how lame this Douchebag is I would like you to look at two other posters. Real posters. These are both from the DC Comics family and have a similar feel and style.

Aside from the obvious awful layman quality of the Wonder Woman poster, look at the composition. Do you see the stars of either of these films posing as if for a magazine cover? Do you notice the combination of photography and effects that create an image conveying a tone for the movie it is advertising? No, you crudely Photoshopped a costume on a photograph you found on Google and lazily duplicated helicopters, planes and missiles, making sure you filled every part of the frame. God knows you can't leave any negative space. The poster for the Dark Knight has a lot of negative space, but that's such a waste.

And to have the nerve to pat yourself on the back by presenting a step by step tutorial. Good gravy you are a self-serving idiot. This is the kind of thing that makes me angry.

In other news, there is apparently a Green Lantern movie in the works.

Quantum of Solace

2008-11-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

Quantum of Solace is the 25th James Bond film, the second with Daniel Craig who is the more introspective Bond out of all the actors that have played the part. I was excited to see what new direction the franchise was taking when Casino Royale was coming out. I am a life-long Bond fan and have read most of the books, though I still need to read a few more (Moonraker, Thunderball, The Man with the Golden Gun, and Octopussy and the Living Daylights).

Casino Royale was the first James Bond movie to really stay somewhat true to the Ian Fleming Bond. Not that the movie Bond is bad, in fact Albert Broccoli created his own vision of Bond which has a stronger legacy than Ian Fleming's novels. Ian Fleming's Bond was flawed, green behind the ears, and relied on luck more than intelligence.

I was one of many nerds who heard the title of the upcoming Bond movie and knew they had lifted it from For Your Eyes Only, a short story collection. I also knew there was no way it would be based on the actual story at all. Which is what they did with From a View to A Kill which is also a short story in For Your Eyes Only. The short story for The Quantum of Solace is really to show how Bond is socially awkward in High Society and he blurts out an embarrasing statement and prompts a Governer to tell him a story about a failed romance, which take up the whole story and Bond plays no real part in it. No car chases or gunfire.

Which is where the new film picks up. I recognized immediately that there was a new director (Marc Forester) and they replaced Martin Campbell's (Casino Royale and Goldeneye) light touch with a heavy handed, more visceral direction. I think they are confused to which direction to take James Bond. On one hand, the action in the movie, which is in surplus, is exciting and flashy, on the other hand, Bond is dark, depressed, and low key. My impression was the action sequences were executed in the classic Bond fashion. But the "new" Bond, which worked so well in Casino Royale didn't quite fit in Quantum of Solace. This film was packed with action in the way Roger Moore's Bond films were, but Roger Moore's character seemed to be having fun. That may have helped this movie, to not see Bond moping around.

This film was entertaining, but I didn't think there was much of a story. This is also one of the least threatening villains they have ever place opposite Bond. He seemed like a bit of a pushover with weak security. After a few more Bond movies in the coming years, The Quantum of Solace will probably be forgettable.

Men Don't Bake

2008-11-17T09:34:00.000-08:00

I have many pet peeves when it comes to commercials. My top three are:

1) Making something simple, such as opening a can or a letter, and making it seem difficult.

2) Cartoons selling products to adults.

3) Finally, men represented as brainless goons.

The last one is mostly executed in beer commercials, but those are so universally stupid I will skip writing about them.

Two commercials marketed directly at men are completely I have found to be off base. The first is a Taco Bell commercial for the new “Triple Steak Burrito.” A group of hipsters are hanging out at an upscale steak restaurant each stating to the waiter how they want their steak cooked, and one of the hipsters turns down a nice steak and says he will stick with his Taco Bell burrito.

The second commercial, for Hardee’s, features a bunch of dudes, being dudes, and watching dude things on TV. They are interrupted by one of their fellow dudes with a tray of biscuits and he asks, “Who wants a fresh baked biscuit?” The dudes stare down their effeminate friend as the manly voice over proclaims, “Guys don’t bake.”

I ask of both of these commercials. Who would turn down a fresh biscuit no matter where it comes from, and who would rather have a Taco Bell burrito over a nice steak? I get that these are supposed to be funny, the Taco Bell one more than the Hardee’s commercial. I was surprised by the notion that “guys don’t bake.” Of course guys bake. Tons of them actually. It’s especially stupid because it infers that guys don’t even bake the biscuits at Hardee’s Do they only hire women to bake at Hardee’s? Perhaps when a man is hired at Hardee's, he ceases to be a man. Or do they men just deep fry the frozen biscuits. All I know is, I don’t care who bakes the biscuits I eat.

No on Prop 8

2008-11-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

I was surprised and shocked to see that Prop 8 may have passed in California. I was sickened to see that actually. If you were not aware, Prop 8 was a ballot initiative in California that would reverse the decision allowing gay marriage. The groups that supported banning gay marriage threatened organized boycotts of business that donated to causes that supported gay marriage organizations. Guess who was behind these organizations? Some Christians and Mormons clinging onto a word. The ridiculous idiotic thought process that convinces people that Gays should be perfectly happy being merely tolerated as long as they stay on the fringes of society. As long as they don’t call their partnership a “marriage.” Because marriage is so special, only nice religious people of opposite genders can do it.

These intolerant religious groups are filled with people who haven't even formed their own opinions on the matter. They just drink the Kool Aid provided by some twisted intolerant view they have heard. Don't you think your respective religions should teach you to be more accepting and open minded? Not just some empty-headed sheep.

This is the same thinking that kept women and black people from voting and really being full members of society. This type of thinking has to stop. We can’t allow religious groups to legislate their out-of-date and absurd beliefs on this country. This is a free country and it is unconstitutional not to allow our citizens from living their lives to the fullest. In a year we elect our first black president, we still have to deal with this crap.

Missing the announcement

2008-11-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

I switched channels a lot during the election coverage. NBC’s local coverage was in Standard Definition, so I had to go to ABC, which was awful. Emily and I missed the announcement of who won the election because it was so anti-climactic. Charlie Gibson was alone on camera and said:

“It is now ten seconds until 11 o’clock and the polls will close in the west . . . it is now 11 o’clock. Barack Obama has won the presidency.”

We were talking about how stupid the first part of that sentence was, we missed the second part. We saw the graphic pop up of “President-Elect Barack Obama,” but they took it down so quickly, it looked like a mistake. So we rewound the DVR and saw we missed the unenthusiastic announcement. Did I mention that I have ABC News?

Election Thoughts

2008-11-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

I am, of course elated Obama won. My feelings are a little mixed, because like both times Bush was “elected,” he had half of a country that fundamentally disagreed with him. Obama is now faced with that same task. I think his victory speech touched on the importance of centralizing and working together. Obama has to win over the whole country, and win over people who were not sold on his ideas and message.

I am confident that Obama is the right man for the job. I feel that, political parties aside, that he, not McCain, has the best shot at bringing people together. I think if Obama surrounds himself with smart people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and tackle the daunting problems our country faces with a lame duck and lame brained President waiting out his term, I don’t see McCain as a man who, at this time, would work at centralizing and unifying the country. I feel that the McCain / Palin message of divisiveness would carry into the White House and drive a larger wedge between the differing ideologies that make up our country.

If Republicans are looking for someone to blame, other than a poorly run McCain campaign, look no further than George W. Bush. Bush made a lot of speeches in his campaigns about unifying the country and bringing everyone together, and he never even tried. We can’t necessarily blame him for the state of the economy, but he has done nothing about it. What he did was select a cabinet that ran roughshod over the White House and abused their power. Bush had an opportunity unlike any President has had to face. Bush had the entire country behind him after the 9/11 attacks. Instead of doing what was best for the country, he and his goons used the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to irresponsibly finish the war George H. Bush started in Iraq. The Bush administration ignored logic, intelligence, and humility.

Bush is now a pariah. He wasn’t allowed near the Republican campaign, and he was largely invisible the past few weeks. Yet he influenced elections all over the United States by being a divider rather than a unifier.

Obama hopefully won’t be in such a dire situation as the 9/11 attacks, but he faces an uphill battle. I am confident and hopeful that he will change some minds. We all need to come together.

Self Indulgent Comedies

2008-10-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

I have become fascinated with what I deem to be awful "self-indulgent" comedy movies. I was trying to gather enough for a top ten list. The criteria I set for this experiment must have been too high, so I need to research further. My criteria for the awful "self-indulgent" comedy is it must feature a comedian or comic actor who has been handed the creative reigns in an effort to capitalize on their act or popularity. So this means, the star must have written or directed the movie. This disqualifies movies like Chairman of the Board, the Carrot Top vehicle, because he isn't credited for writing it. The same goes for a few Will Ferrell movies and so on.

So my list is short, while I research further, but if you can think of any, please let me know.

1. The Pest (1997) Writer / Star: John Leguizamo, IMDb Rating: 4.3/10

Worst IMDb User Comment:

WOW who is on crack here? this was one of the worst movies i have ever seen i forced myself to watch 40 or so minutes of it because of a friend but i just coulnt do it, i lasted through the vulgar poop jokes but as pukeing on each others faces began i knew i would rather trade places with john leguizamo and be the one shot and killed then watch this horror of a DVD...

Best IMDb User Comment:

This is a comedy spoof of Van Damme's 'Hard Target' and Ice-T's 'Surviving The Game'. It takes an ethnic con-artist and gives him a chance to win $50,000 if he makes it to the end of the race.

Using John Leguizamo as the main character offers a bit of crude slapstick comedy that does present very funny episodes during the movie. For some the plot slows down and the rugged humor is a little too childish. What would you expect from a spoof? We're not trying to recreate a cinematic masterpiece in all seriousness, but the point is well argued that there could have been more development in the script and screenplay.

2. Freddy Got Fingered (2001) Director / Writer / Star: Tom Green, IMDb Rating: 3.8/10

Worst IMDb User Comment:

Wow. Now I've seen my share of atrocious movies, including a test screening of the Brothers Solomon, but this is by far the worst piece of Elephant Semen, I've ever seen. Tom Green has made a career out of embarrassing himself. Embarrassing himself! Not to mention repeating himself over and over. This movie could've been 30 minutes long if he didn't repeat the same dialogue over and over. I seriously feel sorry for Marisa Coughlan who did not work much after that role. The things some people will do for a buck. Porn would have been less degrading to her family.

Best IMDb User Comment:

This movie, although not solid in plot, is that of comical genius. People are too easily offended by the actions of Tom Green, not able to see the comical genius this movie has. Breaking barriers is comedy, and that is exactly what Tom Green does in this film. The things he does, from jerking off a horse, to pretending to be a deep sea diver are all great ways to get the point across, this movie is something different. People who have any sense of moral value or a tendency to vomit should stay away, but who has moral values anymore?

3. Master of Disguise (1997) Writer / Star: Dana Carvey, IMDb Rating: 2.9/10

Worst IMDb User Comment:

Oh my....was this a stinker.

I tired to give it as much of a chance as possible because..you cannot believe everything you read from critics..and you cannot believe everything you hear.

With "the Master of Disguise", you can. This was awful. I don't really think they meant it to be awful, I mean the story sounded good, I'm sure...on paper..to a bunch of film executives who were drunk at the time they heard it.

Best IMDb User Comment:

What can I say? Sometimes you just can't rely on critics. I can't wait to see Malibu's Most Wanted. I know it too got some harsh reviews but I don't care. I've seen the trailer and it looks good to me. I'm going. Even if it doesn't open in the Danish theaters.

4. Little Nicky (1997) Writer / Star: Adam Sandler, IMDb Rating: 4.9/10

Worst IMDb User Comment:

Because that's the only possible reason that this film exists. The movie is imaginative, I'll give you that, but it's a smack in the face to anyone who believes that hell is a terrible place, or that heaven isn't populated by bimbo angels. Every scene in this movie falls flat. Satan puts women's breasts on a man's head. How is this even remotely humorous? When you have a sight gag, it is usually in context, Harold Lloyd and Charlie Chaplin both knew this and they made movies decades before the people who made this movie were even born. This film is filled with bizarre images and weird sight gags that are too strange to be funny. A blind man with weird eyes stumbles through the streets of NYC, ranting and raving. Is this supposed to be funny? The devil's son introduces Henry Winkler in Central Park and the crowd cheers. Come on...Henry Winkler, for god's sake? Can you imagine any group of people in this day and age actually cheering for Henry Winkler? Then for some strange reason he covers Henry Winkler in bees.

Best IMDb User Comment:

Geeze, this movie got the shaft! I thought it was a lot of fun and pretty funny. The Ozzy Osbourne line, 'Here, kill him with theeees' cracks me up every time. I don't know why this is disdained so much. Sure, it's no "Rushmore", but it has its place and I enjoy it for what it is--a kind-hearted, dumb, funny comedy in the vein of "Dumb & Dumber" or "Tommy Boy"--both classic movies in and of themselves. In that category, I give "Little Nicky" a 10! Blow-hards and elitists need not apply....

5. The Love Guru (2008) Writer / Star: Mike Myers, IMDb Rating: 3.8/10

Worst IMDb User Comment:

People may think I am exaggerating how jaw droppingly awful this movie is, but I'm really not. This movie has earned it's place in the Bottom 100.

It's extremely stupid and the screenwriter clearly has no wit whatsoever. I noticed a lot of recylced jokes from early Mike Myers movies, but no one will notice because they too busy staring at Justin Timberlake's fake bulge.

Best IMDb User Comment:

The movie was genius. I laughed like mad all movie. I am sorry but he didn't lose it from Austin Powers. He moved beyond all that. I really don't know how this movie got such a low mark. Shows that the ratings here cannot be easily trusted. This is a first for me to write a comment about a movie. I just wanted to make sure at least one real comment exists about the movie. He passes through quite a few simple ideas that most grown ups have forgotten a fairly long while ago - in an original way.

The only film on this list I haven't seen at least some of is The Love Guru which I doubt I'll see. I think there have got to be more examples of movies that are handed over to comedians and fail miserably.

The voting public

2008-10-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

As lame, and somewhat embarrassing as it is being a Myspace user, I had to jettison one of my "Friends" this weekend. I use the term "Friend" loosely, as I have somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 people on my account and I don't really correspond with many of them. Facebook is like this as well. You have a group of people one your list that you don't talk to, but since you knew them in High School you are obligated to accept their "friend request." I suppose this is the equivalent of having people you didn't really get to know in high school to sign your yearbook. It's more in an effort the fill out the blank pages than to actually know people.

I digress. Anyhow, one of these people was a girl who sat behind me in Chemistry class in 12th grade. I didn't really know her well, but I knew her. Enough so that several years after high school she sent me a "friend request." Like I said before, this wasn't a long-lost connection, she was just trying to fill her blank pages. Eventually Myspace changed formats and instead of having to check if one of your friends or "friends" posted a message or story, you were confronted by it on your page. Chemistry Girl (I'll call her) was one of the more active Myspace users of my friends and "friends." She seemed to be constantly pregnant (I think having four children since high school) and always posting tepid updates I largely ignored.

And then came the 2008 Presidential election. Chemistry girl posted a diatribe against Obama on Myspace a few months ago and changed her profile name to "NObama." Over the past few months she has posted a few anti-Obama things, but nothing that was at all interesting. I don't care if she wants to vote against Obama, that's the whole point of the election. Her posts about Obama were directed at Obama supporters and were mainly trying to convince them not to vote for him. I would never tell anyone who to vote for, but not everybody is classy like me.

So then this past week she posted what she intended to be the coup de grâce to any supporter of Obama. It was the body of a mass email questioning Obama's finances and relationships to questionable people. Whenever I receive a mass email warning me anything, I go to Snopes.com and check if they have any information about it. 9.5 times out of ten, it's bullshit.

So she posted this email and asked for comments about it. I simply replied with "I respect your support for McCain, but if you check an independent source, you'll know that these are all lies." And I posted a link to the Snopes page that rips that email to shreds.

Again, I don't care who she's voting for, but at least be smart enough to not trust your email inbox as a news source. Then I found out that her email inbox is her ONLY news source. She posted this email (which I am linking to the Snopes page) "proving" Obama is the Anti-Christ, and then another detailing Obama as "the most Pro-Abortion" candidate we've ever had, which may or may not be true. The Anti-Christ one was too stupid to deal with, yet it contained a little dig at me that said something like "Here's one that if you say it's false, you don't have to answer to me, you have to answer to a higher power."

The problem I had was within the Abortion post. Held within were inflammatory statements, not about Obama, but about America. That America is a Christian nation, and our Founding Fathers fought and died for this country to be Christian and the like. It was at this moment that I knew I was dealing with the lowest form of human. Someone who holds the same allegiance as a Taliban supporter, just change a few names and places. This is someone who has never read a history book, watched a history documentary, or seen the musical 1776. This is someone who only gets their information from unreliable, unconfirmed sources.

That issue has nothing to do with Obama or McCain, but it was the last straw in our Myspace "relationship." These are some of the people out in the voting public. Racists, religious zealots. I am not saying these are ALL of McCain's supporters. There are tons of people that fundamentally disagree with Obama on many issues. The people I am talking about aren't voting for McCain, they are voting AGAINST Obama.

I just hope the hippies, slackers, portos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, and richies actually get up and vote this time around. Obama isn't the wet blanket that John Kerry was, so we can only hope.

The debate

2008-10-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try something new. Not new in general, but new for me and this blog. I'm going to LIVE BLOG the debate. While Obama and McCain duel over the issues and lob verbal barbs to and fro, I will keep you up to date with the most up-to-date coverage you will find.

****9:00 PM****

I've got my Ritz Bitz and Grape Soda and I'm ready to go. Tom Brokaw and the two candidates have exchanged pleasantries and away we go!

****9:03 PM****

McCain is apparently "friends" with everyone. He keeps reminding them of this.

****9:08 PM****

Wow, Obama sure is talking a lot and using big words.

****9:15 PM****

Uh, the bailout was the fault of the Democrats.

****9:20 PM****

The bailout was caused by the Republicans

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****2:05 AM****

...I guess the debate is over. My face has the imprint of a keyboard on it. Some poker show is on now. I tried. Hey, Obama and McCain should settle all of this President crap over a no limit poker game!

Bedtime now. Sorry folks.

VP Candidate Lampooned!!!

2008-09-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

All over the internets this weekend was a video from Saturday Night Live where Tina Fey returned to do an impression of VP candidate Sarah Palin. I watched the video yesterday, and found Tina Fey fit the role well. She sounded like Palin and looked like Palin. The problem with the video is it isn't funny. The whole skit is so lukewarm and fails to really make a new or interesting point about either Palin or Hillary Clinton.

Saturday Night Live is has always been topical, but they used to have more insight. Shows like Daily Show, Colbert, and South Park, more times than not, nail their current affair subjects with hilarious observations. SNL seems to focus more on making sure Tina Fey had the right glasses. This is the most I have watched of SNL in many years. I think the last funny thing they did was the cowbell sketch. For some reason this skit a top story around the news this weekend. I dont think any of the news outlets would have reported about this if they had watched it first.

His first executive decision UPDATE

2008-09-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

This just popped in my head.

McCain's decision to pick Sarah Palin, and the "positive" reaction reminds me of Family Feud. No matter what the answer someone gives is, everybody claps and screams "Good answer!!"

In his first executive decision, John McCain showed America that he'd rather win a election than select a qualified Vice Presidential candidate. Seemingly, McCain has bowed to the far right and picked a candidate that will cater to a religious demographic, rather than someone you might expect him to pick.

Sarah Palin is an amazingly terrible choice for VP, especially because John McCain is 72 years-old. It's also amazing to watch the top dogs of the Republican party pretend that Palin is good for the job. Interview after interview, speech after speech you hear how Sarah Palin has all this "executive experience" being a mayor of 5,000 people and a Governor of the 47th largest state in America (population wise). They tout the fact that she "commands the National Guard," which adds to her "executive experience," but the facts tell us that she never commanded the National Guard to do anything. Cindy McCain even went as far as to tell us Sarah Palin has a wealth of national security experience because Alaska is the closest state to Russia.

None of that really matters to me. None of the crap about Palin's family really matters to me, except that her daughter is a victim of the failed idea of Abstinence Only education.

What matters to me is the way McCain and Palin are presenting their case for the Presidency. McCain has yet to speak, but I get the gist of what their manner of attack is. They are belittling people who support Obama. They are belittling his work as a "community organizer" and his short career in the senate. They belittle his ability as an orator, but claim he is without substance.

It's all cynicism and negativity, with no new ideas. This entire Republican convention has been nothing but a reminder of what a great soldier John McCain was (which is true), and what a great senator he is (not so much). There are no ideas, or indications that the U.S.A. is in disrepair. The reason I like Barack Obama is his positivity and his fresh look at the country. Obama doesn't pretend that the country is working fine and all we need to do is smile and wave our little flags.

And I thought Romney and Huckabee were bad choices for VP.

A retraction

2008-08-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

I was asked to issue a retraction by my editor, William Van Landingham, Esq. Yesterday I alluded to the Chinese government blatantly using underage girls on their Olympic gymnastics team. I know, all I had to go on was evidence such as articles and school records that were found, as well as witness accounts, but that wasn't enough.

The IOC launched an investigation yesterday, and because they are so thorough, they wrapped it up 12 hours later declaring that the Chinese are on the level. The IOC doesn't need to be bothered by looking at evidence that wasn't provided by the Chinese government, hell, they've got an olympics to put on! I understand the hesitation to embarrass the host country by stripping away the medals won by the underage girls, but grow a pair. I mean, all hail the great and mighty China. China would never sink to the pathetic level of cheating to win Olympic medals. The confusion must be in the metric system. Maybe age 13 in the metric system converts to 16 in U.S. customary units?

Arise! All who refuse to be slaves!
Let our flesh and blood become our new Great Wall!
As the Chinese nation faces its greatest peril,
All forcefully expend their last cries.
Arise! Arise! Arise!

How dare you celebrate your greatness

2008-08-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

I have been glued to the Olympics this year. For some reason, I've never paid more attention to gymnastics, swimming, or volleyball in my life. I got completely invested in the gymnastic this year, so much so, I found myself yelling at the TV over the inconsistent scoring.

I love the track & field competitions as well. I am amazed by Usain Bolt, the fastest man alive, and giant from Jamaica who has blown away the competition this year. As I watched his preliminary races he would win easily, but he wasn't really trying as hard as he could. He would begin to celebrate before he crossed the finish line and perform a victory dance afterward. I never had a problem with him acting goofy, I just wanted to see him run full out and really push it. He finally pushed it yesterday, smashing a world record and winning a gold medal in the process (I still think he could have gone faster). Thus, he celebrated his victory with light-hearted dancing and posing to the crowd that was cheering him.

Today, IOC President Jacques Rogge crawled out from under the rock he has been hiding under for a week or so and criticized Usain Bolt for excessive celebrating. “That’s not the way we perceive being a champion,” Rogge said.

What is the qualities it takes to be a champion? Did he not bribe you for his medal? Maybe you are think of the underage Chinese gymnastics team who were awarded medal after medal having their faults overlooked? Rogge's criticisms seem unnecessary and empty. He probably feels pressure to look like he has some kind of control over his corrupt organization.

“I think he should show more respect for his competitors and shake hands, give a tap on the shoulder to the other ones immediately after the finish..."

Did Michael Phelps run around making sure he didn't hurt anybodies feelings when he was celebrating the team relay victory? Why is it an athlete's responsibility to make sure his opponent is okay after he or she has just lost? Usain Bolt is 20-something years old, on the biggest stage in the world, and performed better than anyone ever has. The announcers annoyingly complain too, as they channel Chris Collingsworth, opining that Usain should be more humble.

If someone has a problem with his celebrations, then maybe they should run faster.

Trailer Analysis

2008-08-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend we are blessed to have the next great prisoner-racing movie hitting theaters. I saw the trailer for Death Race a while ago and thought how interesting it was that they tell the entire story within 2 1/2 minutes.

To save you some trouble (and money), I will now analyze the trailer of Death Race, sure to be The Dark Knight of August.

The first thing I notice is the shocking appearance of Joan Allen, an actress I really like. Maybe she needs some work done on her house, or had some Vet bills. Her appearance threatens to give some clout to this movie. That threat lasts for, say, ten seconds. Until we see the man who has been recently filling Steven Seagal's shoes, Jason Statham. By now, we realize that Joan Allen is slumming.

We then hear voice-overs of the prisoners taking about Jason Statham's character, with one stating, "He used to drive for NASCAR." What clued you into this character's NASCAR roots, the tattoos, the British accent, or the fighting skills?

We now learn the premise of the film is a blood-thirsty prison warden stages a televised race to the death, where prisoners drive cars covered in weapons and armor. The winner of said death race gets to go free from the prison. I can assume the "bad guy" is this ripoff of "Lord Humongous (from The Road Warrior)," who will stand in the way of Jason Statham, the protagonist I presume.

The trailer then reveals vital plot points such as, Jason Statham's family is murdered, and not only is he framed for it, but he was framed by the warden so she could have a ringer in the aforementioned and titular death race.

Other plot points include the revelation of a team of sexy lady prisoners.

Also they reveal a character that apparently avoids death in several scenes, which may be some kind of comic relief. Instead of letting this be a surprise, they show us that this character gets hit by a truck.

In a sense, the entire movie is told in the confines in of the trailer, so I don't feel the need to go see it. But if anyone else goes, let me know if it's any good. It looks awful to me.

By the way, this is a remake, believe it or not.

Defending John Edwards

2008-08-11T13:41:00.001-07:00

In my next life, I want to be a publicist. I came up with a way to spin this "John Edwards situation" to salvage his career. Sure it is easy to jump to the conclusion that John Edwards is a "scumbag" and he is "the lowest form of human" for what he did to his family. Any average Joe or Jane can just conjure the opinion that he "has used his position for his personal gains rather than helping anyone."

Anyhow, here's my spin:

"Mr. Edwards regrets the manner in which the public has learned the detail of this deeply personal story. Mr. Edwards has done everything he has needed to do to take care of his terminally ill wife. Mr. Edwards must look forward to the future. In doing so, Mr. Edwards is laying the foundations of his next relationship."

Yeah, that should do it. See, he's not so bad after all. I hope I run into him in Carrboro. I'd like to run this by him.

Anthrax - the bacteria, not the band

2008-08-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

So the FBI had a suspect in the post 9/11 anthrax mail scare, and he committed suicide before he was charged. The suspect was a scientist that worked with anthrax, and was developing a sophisticated vaccine. The theory was that this scientist may have released the anthrax hoping for a chance to filed-test his vaccine.

So I read about this case further and tried to find out how he committed suicide, because I figured it was obvious. I was wrong. The guy took some prescription Tylenol mixed with codine, I think. What the hell? Why didn't he just take a handful of anthrax?

Two sizes

2008-08-01T06:38:00.001-07:00

Apparently I have been wrong about something fora long time. Something I rarely put any thought into.

I enjoy living in Carrboro so far mainly because of the character it has. It's kind of artsy, and you see a lot of people just hanging out. There are a lot of interesting stores and restaurants that are not chains. That is what Raleigh has to boast, chains and endless vapid sprawl. My wife's health kick took her to the local running shoe and equipment store. She had such good customer service, she encouraged me to go buy some running shoes as well. This was the first time in a very long time that I actually had my foot sized. The gentleman helping me really knew his stuff, I suppose. Whenever I see a guy selling shoes, it makes me think of a self-loathing louse like Al Bundy, but this guy was full of information and opened my eyes.

I have been wearing a 10 1/2 shoe since high school. Every time I buy shoes, I go for a 10 1/2 or 11. This guy sized me for a 12 1/2. I've been off 2 whole sizes? Think of all of the things I could have done with 12 1/2 shoes over the years. Anyhow, he was dead on. They are way more comfortable than my previous shoes.

He asked how I could have been wearing 10 1/2's all this time. I just never think about shoes. What am I, a woman?

The Dark Knight

2008-07-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

Being a comic book fan, I sort of feel like an outsider. I have a perception that some people think it’s a silly think to do. Comics have never shaken the reputation that they are for kids. The truth is, there are as many comics for kids as there are for adults. Just like movies. When I was a kid/teenager, I mostly read superhero comics. All the while I could have been reading comics like Hellblazer, The Goon, Preacher, Concrete, or Sandman, which I am currently enjoying. Of course I wasn’t really old enough to appreciate those aforementioned titles, plus they would have warped me beyond repair.

Those who know me, know I am a Batman fanatic, and always have been. It seems like I have been a Batman fan my whole life. My house is littered with Batman comics, framed art, and toys. When I was a kid my friends, fellow twins, and readers of this little blog Matthew and Steven gave me a comic book that I still treasure to this day. Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke. I don’t even know if they remember giving it to me, or even the fact that it is such a landmark graphic novel in the Batman universe. Oddly enough, that is the exact comic (among others) that has been credited as inspiration for The Dark Knight.

Alan Moore (The Watchmen, V for Vendetta) took a character that had been largely exhausted and explored the nuances and tiny fragments that made The Joker such a menace. He’s not just a clown; he had a beginning not unlike Batman. He and Batman traveled the same road but ended up at different destinations. They are different sides of the same coin. The final scene in The Killing Joke is the most telling to me about both characters. After Batman catches the Joker, and restrains himself from killing him they have a few minutes together as the police approach the scene. The Joker tells Batman a cheesy joke, and they laugh together. The laughing grows in intensity until it seems they aren’t laughing about the joke at all.

The Dark Knight from beginning to end is a masterpiece. Director/Co-Writer Christopher Nolan took the momentum from Batman Begins and blew the sequel up in scale. The film is partly about Gotham City. It lives and breathes. We feel surrounded by Gotham City’s buildings; we are always in tune with the vibe of the city. Batman is a part of what is trying to keep Gotham City together, and we spend equal time with those who are trying to tear it apart.

This is another film where Batman is learning how to be Batman. Rather than focus entirely on the villains, like Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher, The Dark Knight is about three men: Batman on one side, The Joker on the other, and Harvey Dent (appropriately) caught in the middle. The Joker is in every way Batman’s equal. Always underestimated, and always a step ahead.

This film was phenomenal, and reassuring that my fandom is not misplaced. And if anyone was ever curious why I like Batman so much, The Dark Knight is the answer.

Drink it in...

2008-07-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who donated. The event raised well over $15,000 all due to generous people.

NOW ON TO THE SHOW!!!

We all know what I looked like before:

Now, here I am before, during, after, and current...in my still unpacked office:

Going bald...on purpose

2008-07-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

I will be participating in an event for the St. Baldrick's Foundation, a organization that helps kids with cancer by having participants shave their heads in solidarity. So Great Clips will just have to do without my $12.00 this month.

Gordie posted on his blog about it, and it seemed like a good thing to do on my birthday, July 12th. If you feel inclined, donate whatever scrap monies you have around. I set a low goal of $150, so any amount is appreciated. You can go here to donate online. Otherwise, you can just enjoy the sight of my shiny misshapen head. Drink it in.

George Carlin

2008-06-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

I wasn't a big follower of George Carlin. I think I am too young to have been affected by his groundbreaking style of humor. I think that goes for a lot of people my age. George Carlin isn't the comedian that gets quoted most often in my circle of friends. In that same light, I hear sometimes that he was "overrated" or not really funny. I've battled with that idea since his death, and to be honest, I have seen more of his routines in the past week than ever. To those that say he was overrated, I say that I disagree. When Carlin got big, there was no one else like him. He was one of the first modern-style comedians who was more focused on social issues rather than airplane food and Mother-In-Law jokes.

I can see now, he gave birth to comedians like Lewis Black, Chris Rock, Dennis Miller, and David Cross. TV shows like the Daily Show, South Park, and The Colbert Report wouldn't exist. It seems to me, that Carlin wasn't a stand-up comedian who gave you joke/punchline/joke/punchline. He seemed that he was a brilliant writer who would get up on stage and make perfect sense about how stupid the world is, and it made a big impact. I may have missed the boat on Carlin directly, but I appreciate what he left behind and the legacy we are all enjoying today.

HeroesCon 2008

2008-06-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

I went to the Charlotte HeroesCon comic convention this weekend, which as always was fun, and full of my fellow geeks sifting through comic book collections at bargain prices. People were dressed up more than usual this year, it seemed. The Fighting 501st Legion of Stormtroopers
had their own booth advertising...whatever it is they do. I think they were selling their secret "training manual." What could a Stormtrooper training manual teach you? How to shoot a laser-gun and miss?

There were Klingons, Space Marines, various Anime characters, Batmen, Supermen, and so on. I was dressed as someone who didn't have a heck of a lot of money to spend. Though I spent it anyways. My most prized acquisition was actually free. I got to meet Matt and Mike Chapman, the creators of Homestar Runner.com. They were selling merch and talking to people and autographing Stong Bad glossys.

They seemed very nice, and I felt like a huge geek praising their humor. They can't be too creeped out by me, I bought 4 of their DVD's.

Otherwise I expanded my collection with a few choice trade paper backs;

New Frontier 1 & 2, - Darwyn Cooke
Red - Warren Ellis, Cully Hamner
Concrete, V5 - Paul Chadwick
and
100 Bullets 9-11, Brian Azzarello, Eduardo Risso

Anyhow, I look forward to next year when I throw more money around supporting the comic book industry.

Video Fake!!???!!!!??!?!?!?!!

2008-06-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

ABC's Good Morning America via Yahoo! has a story on their front page about the video of a "ball-girl making an incredible catch" being revealed as a fake. Was there ever any question? At what point during the video would anyone assume it was real? Several factors clued me in to the video's fabrication. The first being the bad sports graphics and the fake baseball teams, and bad acting. Secondly, I'll give you the possibility that the teams are in the minor league, then why is the camera work such high quality and clear? Why would a non-player attempt the catch a foul ball that the left-fielder would have been going for? The anchors on GMA look like idiots even talking about this. Though they need something to talk about for five hours, and maybe Lindsey Lohan hasn't surfaced this week.

Anyhow, those facts are obvious. This video is the latest in a string of photos and videos that surge through the internet that gain some popularity and are obviously fake. Kobe Bryant starred in a couple videos that were ridiculous and still people debated whether they are real. It just baffles me, but maybe I'm just naturally skeptical. Don't believe everything you see.

What's Happening?

2008-06-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

Never have I ever...

The Happening was the kind of bad movie that made me want to tear the theater screen down and shred it apart with my teeth. I've seen some stinkers in my time. Cold Creek Manor, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, House of Wax, and plenty others that escape my memory at the moment. This may have been the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater, and my expectations were in the basement.

M. Night Shyamalan's hits and misses have been debated to death by cinephiles everywhere. I won't waste too much effort on that subject. My opinion is that I loved his first three films. They are some of my favorites of all time. Like a lot of people, The Village for me wasn't great, but it was well made and has some incredible acting. It just suffered from some writing issues. For all of its faults, Lady in the Water was at least original and seemed to have some production design and budget. I don't have original opinions on the guy, I am part of the consensus.

The Happening seemed to lack enthusiasm, talent, money, and most important of all, entertainment. The acting by Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Dashinell and crew was cartoonish and amatuerish. It was distractingly bad. The story was kinda stupid, but so was The Village's and many other movies. The trick is to fool the audience into believing in the story. The Onion AV Club's reviewer Scott Tobias said it perfectly in his review for The Ruins:

"There’s a useful old analogy stating that when a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it’s placed in cold water that’s heated slowly, it will stay in the pot until it’s boiled alive."

Well I was boiled alive instantly. From the get-go the lackadaisical pacing at the beginning killed any foreboding momentum he was trying to build. This is followed by Mark Wahlberg's Mr. Roger's-esque performance of a high school science teacher which makes you hate him.

I think one of two things happened to make The Happening as bad as it is. One idea is that M. Night Shyamalan has just plain lost his talent and no big production company wants to work with him anymore. The other theory I have is that M. Night has become Weezer. Weezer started the same way, with a huge debut that blew people away. Then followed it with a critical success, but a commercial failure. Ever since they have been trying to replicate the band/director that fans enjoyed so much in the beginning. It's more than that. Both M. Night and Rivers Cuomo are reputed egomaniacs who have no love for critics or frivolous audiences. From what I read about Weezer's third album, it was an experiment to do a "Weezer impression" to win back the fans who ignored their sophomore effort.

I want to believe M. Night made The Happening as an experiment. I felt while watching it that he was making a bad movie on purpose. I can't stress enough, you have to skip this movie.

Camping Rebuttal

2008-06-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

I found a large rock when we first arrived to the campsite where I made my introduction. The other campers ignored me (I forgot to pack the machete). On the second day we were over-run by bears, and the neighboring campers scavenged our supplies.

Other than that, we had a great time.

Pisgah!!

2008-06-02T12:09:00.001-07:00

I will be camping for the first time this weekend, which is always something I have thought I might want to do. We are going into Pisgah National Forest, never to return. It seems like a very manly thing to do, in my imagination. My wife has been camping before. She knows how to set up a tent among other camping tasks and activities. My main concerns are bears. I was laughed at when I asked whether I needed to go buy a machete. A machete is hand in many camping situations. Not only can you defend yourself from a bear, you can chop down overgrowth, you can open a beer, and you can defend your campsite from neighboring campsites. I didn't make this known, but I feel that whomever wields the machete is the group leader.

I also recommended getting about three hatchets for a "Great Outdoor Games"=esque axe-throwing tournament. That was shot down because it was "dangerous." The benefit of this is the extra machete's you have laying around to defend your campsite from bears and other campers. The machete-wielder is the leader (of course) and his subjects are armed with hatchets.

Then I got serious. Do we need rope? What about walking sticks? Or a compass? Bear Grylls always uses a parachute in creative ways, do I need to get a parachute? Should I contact the U.S. Embassy to let them know where we are going? Should I get a GPS tracker inserted into my wrist in case our campsite gets overrun with bears, campers, or bear-riding campers?

Is s important to know how to eviscerate a bear and sleep inside of it's chest cavity for warmth? How many tents do we need? Should we set up a tent that will act as our situation room? You know the ones with the long table with the big map unfurled on top.

Upon research, and on Pisgah National Forest's website, there are restrooms, a restaurant, and a general store. That seems pretty good. I will take over the general store first and the restrooms second. I will stimulate the economy of my new society by paying workers to clean and run the businesses and restrooms (which I will charge admission fees.)

All in all it will be a fun couple of nights!

My new camp's flag

Quick Obits

2008-05-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

I was sad to hear about the deaths of both Sydney Pollack and Harvey Korman. Both super talented guys. Sydney Pollack made some great movies, namely Out of Africa, and was a great actor. The last thing I saw him in was Michael Clayton, which he was great in.

All I have to say about the great Harvey Korman: Go do that voodoo that you do so well.

The best video you'll see today...

2008-05-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

Indiana Jones Review

2008-05-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

Here is my review for the movie. Though I recommend seeing it first, I don't want to sway anyone from seeing it. Ultimately Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is fun, entertaining, and everything a summer movie should provide. My problems with the movie, I think, are because I am a nerd and I have lofty expectations for movies.

That said, I think it is time for George Lucas to go away. One one had, the guy cranked out 6 classic movies (not to mention American Graffiti). He has lost his sensibilities. Lucas has the mindset that he can do anything he wants because the computers will fill in the blanks. This is not really completely his fault, but I think ILM has been showing their age a little. One of my major problems with Crystal Skull was that nothing looked real. Many directors and producers, including Lucas, have let their imaginations get ahead of the technology. They rely so heavily on special effects, that they create a hyper-realism that doesn't provide the same thrills as older movies with more organic stunts and locations.

Remember the tank chase scene from Last Crusade? That was exciting because of the real location, real tank, and good editing and directing. No stunt or action sequence in Crystal Skull comes close to that scene. The special effects are over-used to fill in the blanks and fail to create a connection to to audience because it is like watching a cartoon. This is a trend now as these movies make tons of money, and the deadlines get shorter. The effects should be used to highlight and enhance. Not to be depended on.

That was my major problem with the movie. It's more on par with the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels than the previous Indiana Jones movies.

Carrot Top...?

2008-05-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently the props he uses in his act are really heavy.

I've noticed in recent years that Carrot Top has been buffing up, but he looks ridiculous now. Is it not obvious that he is over-compensating for being a scrawny nerd when he was a young broke prop-comic. Now he can fund a successful steroid program for himself, and some Maybelline eyeliner. The verdict is, he now looks funnier than any joke he has ever made.

Apartment Hunting, Snake handling

2008-05-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

Emily and I are going to move to Chapel Hill in July. We found a decent apartment complex in Carrboro located in a wooded area. After a couple tours and questions answered, Emily and I started filling out applications. The manager of the complex came out of her office and asked me if I was afraid of snakes. I told her I was not, and she explained that a resident called because she had a snake on her porch. She asked if I minded helping with that.

We all drove over to the building and entered the scared girl's apartment, A UNC student / Lab tech that Emily has worked with. I looked out of the first floor balcony window and didn't see anything. We all assumed it climbed higher to the second balcony, also part of the same apartment. I walked out onto the second balcony and found nothing. No snake to be found. I returned to the first balcony and Emily and I walked out to search. No sign, until we turned around towards the apartment and Emily said, "Oh, there it is."

Somehow the black racer snake was holding itself against the wall. I was handed a curtain rod, which I used to hook the snake off of the wall and flung it off of the balcony.

It's still up in the air whether we are moving in, but this was a memorable apartment search.

Obama's Running Mate

2008-05-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

The further along we get in the Democratic primary, it is apparent to everyone that one of the candidates should drop out. That has been debated to death. I started thinking recently about the idea of a joint Obama/Clinton ticket, which is a popular solution. Is that really the best solution? I understand the thought process that says they are both very popular with the voters and most seem split between them. Logically, one candidate should take the other as their running mate due solely to finishing in 2nd place.

I will assume that Obama has the nomination, which seems inevitable. I doubt very seriously that he wants Clinton as a running mate. I think someone like New Mexico's Bill Richardson, who was probably the strongest Democratic candidate in my opinion, would make a better choice than Clinton. Of course, this all ideal. Richardson isn't the sexy choice, and probably wouldn't give Obama the proverbial push to beat McCain in November like Hillary would.

Maybe it is just my distaste for Hillary, but I have a feeling Obama is being painted into a corner where if he doesn't choose Hillary as his running mate, he looks bad. I suspect that she would be really far down his list if the Democratic election wasn't so close.

Meltdowns - Contains Foul Language(if you are at work)

2008-05-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Typically, when you see a collection of meltdowns they are always sports related. I listen to Howard Stern regularly and they have a collection of classic celebrity meltdowns that are played every once awhile. Yesterday an old video of Fox News' Bill O'Reilly made the rounds. If you missed it, it is from his days at Inside Edition and he throws a tantrum because he fails to understand something.

It's very interesting to see how childish some celebrities are. Who doesn't get frustrated with their work? I do all the time. I have never felt the need to scream at or belittle someone to make me feel better. That is what makes these fascinating to me. So, here is a collection of celebrity meltdowns I recorded off of The Howard Stern Show (pardon the laughing and noise.)

Let the debate begin. Who is the biggest asshole?

First, Bill O'Reilly.

Next, the great Casey Kasum.

Howard Stern himself.

The amazing Orson Welles.

Any list of assholes would be incomplete without a little Shatner.

and some bonus Shatner

Here is a link to ESPN's Chris Berman's rant which is also a good one.

Cyclone

2008-05-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

We've all heard about the destruction caused by the cyclone. In reality, this "cyclone" hit back in January and the "cyclone" story is all a spin by the Burmese Junta.

The "cyclone" was named Rambo, and if my math is correct, this is the highest body-count in a movie ever.

Here is an image of the cyclone in action.

Why I love Superheroes

2008-05-02T06:44:00.001-07:00

The greatest creator of superheroes, in my opinion, is Stan Lee. That is actually a lot of people's opinion. Mainly, Stan Lee's strength is his writing. If you compare Superman's early stories to The Hulk or Spider-Man, you will find them to be less interesting and less dense. Superman is a great character with great value, but Stan Lee really understood what would set apart Marvel superheroes.

Most of Lee's creations have a similar pattern. A misunderstood genius who, because of an accident, is given amazing powers. Instead of being embraced by society, like Superman, the public or government they are feared and sometimes hunted. It's a brilliant angle. Most kids idolize Superman, but what would it really be like to be him? Would it go perfectly? Or would you be unable to ever have human contact again? Would you answer the call to save the very people who fear and ridicule you?

This is perfectly illustrated in many of Stan Lee's stories, but the best to me is his run of Silver Surfer stories. The first issue he wrote in 1968 stands as one of my favorite comic books of all time. Silver Surfer, bound to Earth, separated from his love who is on his homeworld light years away. He has the power to do anything he wants, except escape the vicinity of Earth. The inhabitants of Earth, because of his appearance don't understand him and fear him. Mainly, the 17 issue run was a study of human behavior and serves as an example of Stan Lee's best writing.

It's no secret to anyone that the Marvel movies have been big hits and big misses. The first two Spider-Man and X-Men movies, are the best examples, and failures like Daredevil, The Fantastic Four, and X-Men 3 show the worst that can be possible. Success hinges on taking the lessons Stan Lee taught us about how to connect the audience to a superhero.

The filmmakers who created Iron Man (a bunch of writers with director John Favreau) completely understood what it takes to make that connection. Stan Lee already created a great story with a great character, and they obviously paid close attention to what made the first Spider-Man movie work so well. Iron Man is not just a guy in a suit, flying around, and blowing stuff up. Inside is a flawed man with a mortal wound. Not only do they stay true to the character and make the geeks happy, the movie is so well made that even non-comic book fan can enjoy it.

Great action, great acting, and a great story. I am very inspired by the first movie to kick-off the summer blockbuster season. A summer that will give us The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Knight, Speed Racer, X-Files: I Want to Believe, and more. This is going to be an expensive summer.

Bathroom Etiquette

2008-04-25T07:32:00.001-07:00

I want to talk for a second about bathroom etiquette. At my place of employment, I am now forced to use a semi-public bathroom. The men who work on my floor have access by key to the bathroom here on the 2nd floor of Brightleaf Square. There are roughly 20 or so people who have access.

I absolutely abhor public restrooms. I would much rather have my own private room. I know I am not alone, but there seems to be two kinds of people. Some people don't mind the public restrooms, so much in fact, they sing, whistle, or even talk to you. Some are brazen enough to pony up to the urinal right next to you. Some people are more private, keep to themselves, handle their business and move on with their lives. I might be a third type of person. I almost exclusively use the stall no matter what my business is. If I am in a hurry, and the coast is clear I will use the urinal, and I am trying to be more comfortable with using it.

The problem I have is insecurity. Not with myself, I am plenty secure. I just want to handle my business with no one else around so I can get in and get out, or play Texas Hold'em on my cell phone if it is an extended stay. The insecurity is with people still trying to be folksy in the restroom. Yesterday I walked into the restroom and another guy was just leaving and he felt the need to say, "Hey, what's happening?" What the hell do you think is happening? I have a need to void, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

On two other occasions gentlemen have been doing something that they felt insecure enough about to feel the need to explain what they are doing. The first circumstance was when I approached the sink to wash my hands and a gentleman was there brushing his teeth. Is that so unusual? He looked apologetically at me and said, "I'm going to a dentist appointment." Okay, so what? If he was gutting a fish, or loading a gun I might think it was a little strange. It's okay to brush your teeth in the bathroom. Another time a guy was vigorously washing his hand and wiping off his clothes. "Spilled gas on myself" he needlessly explained. Again, who cares? It's a bathroom. I would prefer to be left completely alone, as everyone should. Avoid eye contact, and just do what you have to do.

Maybe I'm being anti-social, but I never feel the need to explain myself to anyone. If I spilled gas on myself and I need to wash it off, I wouldn't care what anyone thought I was doing. Maybe I need to conform and be more folksy. Next time come out of a stall I will explain to the person in there, "had to drop a load."

What Were They Thinking? Part 1

2008-04-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be honest for a second. I have been watching American Idol this season. I typically watch the American Idol auditions every year because I love seeing people fail and watching their hopes and dream fade away. Mainly I like the fact that there are a lot of delusional people who really believe they can be famous, and they are finally reach the end of the road. After the auditions, I stop watching. Last year, I was wrapped up in the "vote for Sanjaya" craze spearheaded by Howard Stern.

Unfortunatly, after this year's auditions, I kept watching. The show is like a form of torture, and we fast forward through it when we can. Having heard that the viewership is down considerably from past years, I would think they would be pulling out all of the stops to regain their lost viewers, or at least get new ones. The show started out with a good idea this year by instituting a "Beatles" night where the contestants could sing any Beatle's song they wanted. The idea was there, but with the combination of the awful in-house band and the amateur singers, very few performances were even remotely decent. I thought the audience for this show tended to be young, and the Beatles might not be the best choice for that.

I also thought it was odd that they were using so many themes. I'm not that familiar with the show, but it seems like theme shows might sabotage certain contestants. What is wrong with just letting them sing whatever they want? The next week they did Beatles night again and it was an even bigger disaster. They continued with themes and brought in Dolly Parton. Who doesn't love Dolly Parton? Although she's not really the kind of singer you equate with today's youth.

Anyhow, I skipped Mariah Carey night last week for obvious reasons and caught most of last night's show. I was shocked by the theme. Andrew Lloyd Webber Night! Wow! That'll really bring in the viewers. Now the producers must be crazy. The point of the show, as I have determined, is to manufacture a pop star. I think they had a reality show to find a Broadway star, so what makes them think that this is a good idea? The theme is surely going to trip most of the contestants up who are just normal singers, in the styles ranging from folk to rock. One problem is that Broadway songs have a theatrical style to them that, A) don't really work on film and TV, and B) don't fit with the ultimate goal of finding a Kelly Clarkson clone.

I'm not anti-musical. They have their place in the creative arts, and that place is the live stage. The first problem that popped into my head was, what ultimately happened. The songs taken out of context don't really stand on their own, and not surprisingly, everyone tanked their performances. The entire night was a train-wreck, and someone will be eliminated because of an idiotic decision to have Andrew Lloyd Webber night. It's not really fair. The evaluations from the judges were meaningless because if the contestant had a choice, there is no way they would have picked a song from a musical.

My god it was lame. Maybe next week they will have Billy Squier night!

Carmello, Carmello, Carmello

2008-04-14T13:38:00.001-07:00

An open letter to Carmello Anthony:

Hey, did you see the NCAA finals a little while ago? A bunch of people watched it. I doubt that many people will be interested in the NBA finals, but I digress.

So you are one of the most recognizable faces in the NBA right now. You haven't had a squeeky-clean career so far, but you're no Michael Vick. According to my sources (the internet) you make roughly $16 Million a year, which is much higher than the average NBA player who takes home a paltry $5.356 million a year.

You are one of the lucky ones. Although, now you have placed yourself next to Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsey Lohan, Mel Gibson, Misha Barton, and many other vapid lunatics worshiped by the average American. I have to ask a question to all of these people, and you are now included, why didn't you call a car service? What a great luxury to not have to drive yourself if you want to have a few drinks.

These people are rich, but you don't have to be rich to have a driver for a night. I wouldn't do it now (I am barely above the poverty, but if I made somewhere in the neighborhood of $16 million a year, I would have a driver. So If I wanted to tie one on after a bad game I wouldn't wind up embarrassing my team, my city, and myself.

That was a stupid thing to do.

Great Baseball Game

2008-04-09T10:35:00.001-07:00

Last night I had the pleasure of watching a West Coast baseball game with my shiny new Extra Innings package. The Los Angeles Dodgers visiting the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2nd game of the Diamondbacks home opening series. I have been a Diamondbacks fan for a while. Mainly because I am a big Randy Johnson fan.

Either way, I am trying to pay more attention to baseball this season and I am learning more about this year's Diamondbacks roster. Last night was not just an ordinary game. It was pitcher Doug Davis' farewell before he undergoes surgery for thyroid cancer. The announcers (one of whom is Mark Grace) mentioned this earlier, and honestly I wasn't all that familiar with Doug Davis, or his illness. It was noticeable early on that he was in total command of his pitches. For 6 solid innings he only allowed two runs. Every time Davis retired a batter, the crowd went nuts. You could tell that he was having a special game.

Twice during the game Davis belted singles. You would have thought he had just won the World Series with a Grand Slam. Fatigue began to play a part in the 6th inning when it would happen to most pitchers, and Doug Davis left the field to a roaring crowd. When things started to look bad, mainly the Dodger's began to put some guys on base, the Diamondbacks stepped up and won the game for Davis. It was a huge game, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I turned it on. It will definitely go down as one of those great moments in sports history.

John Law's Cracking Down

2008-04-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

So I have had an interested past couple of days. On Monday, I had the day off, so Emily and I drove to Chapel Hill to eat lunch. On the way to Franklin Street, I was pulled over by The Man right before I hit UNC campus. I typically watch my speed in that area, because there are usually a lot of police around. Long story short, I got a ticket for driving 49 in a 35. My fault, I should have been paying attention. This is the 3rd speeding ticket I have received. I have usually used lawyers to do their thing. It's expensive, but it works. The two previous tickets were dropped. I read a lot of interesting, less expensive tactics one could use to make a ticket disappear.

On the drive home from work yesterday and had just gotten within 2 miles of my apartment. I was literally thinking about which options and tactics to undertake when I noticed a police car when I drove over a hill. I was immediately pulled over and given a second ticket. When the officer asked me if I had ever gotten a speeding ticket before, I started laughing and told him I "got my first one yesterday." He didn't think it was too funny. Neither did I actually. 2 tickets in 2 days. I think I need to start riding a bike.

Movies from the Weekend "All Alone"

2008-04-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

I watched a lot of movies this weekend when my wife went of town. The first being American Gangster which I thought was really really long. I had a real problem with the film before I saw it, because I figured they were glorifying a murderer and drug dealer. After watching it, that is fairly true, but he does redeem himself somewhat. I compare it to Goodfellas, except by the end, you have very little sympathy for Henry Hill. The film itself dragged it's feet and failed to interest me.

The next movie I watched was Exiled by Hong Kong director Johnny To. I loved this movie. This is true Hong Kong action mixed with a dry spaghetti (mmm spaghetti) Western tone. My problem with modern Westerns is they seem like costume dramas more than true Westerns. Unforgiven was the most recent film to truly capture the spirit. Movies like Tombstone, Open Range, 3:10 to Yuma, and so on don't capture the spirit of the Old West. They just seem to be men in costumes on a backlot. Exiled, which on the surface doesn't look like a Western (it's based in modern Hong Kong), embodies the spirit of the Old West with the story told through the adventures of 4 gangsters who were hired to kill a former collegue that is trying to get out of the life. If you are a fan of Hong Kong action (like one of my favorite movies John Woo's The Killer) or a fan of Westerns, I highly recommend this film.

I then dipped into my personal collection for my next film, Death Wish. Charles Bronson's assault on crime chronicled in this 1974 classic from director Michael Winner (Death Wish 2, Death Wish 3). Charles Bronson's wife and daughter are attacked by three street toughs (one of which is played by Jeff Goldblum in his screen debut) in Bronson's apartment. It's a little shocking in the brutality, because it is filmed in that '70's unchoreographed way that makes it seem like pure chaos. His wife dies and his daughter is basically institutionalized due to the traumatic experience. Bronson, a successful architect, takes a trip out west to clear his head, but basically is given the handgun that he will use to dispense justice. Inspired by a Wild West show, he goes back to New York and starts gunning down muggers and criminals. This movie, again has that unpolished 70's quality that both dates it, and makes it unique.

Much like Death Wish, I watched another film about one man making a difference, Gandhi. Though Gandhi's methods were different, both Gandhi and Charles Bronson wanted the same thing.

I then hit the theaters for the first time in a while. I went to see Scorsese's Shine A Light in IMAX. The film begins with about 10-15 minutes of pre-show antics and preparations that brilliantly builds the anticipation to see the band perform. The lead-in to the opening song was done so well. I have read some negative reviews for this film, like the one by the brainless reviewer for the Charlotte Observer, Lawrence Toppman, who obviously isn't a 'Stones fan.

Toppman writes: "[Shine A Light] features 10 to 15 minutes of grainy clips from interviews over 40-plus years, but those come at us without context and often without dates, and they're almost entirely unrevealing. (In one of them, a narrator refers to Jagger's recent arrest -- but for what?)"

I think Toppman is the guy in the theatre who is always asking questions to the person next to him. "Who is that again?" "Why does that guy have a gun now?" "What's going on?" Like my Grandparents who went to see Return of the King, having not seen the previous two movies. My Grandmother told me she didn't understand why the little creature wanted the ring so bad.

The movie is not a documentary. There are other documentaries about the Rolling Stones. Scorsese never really worries about putting anything in context. An intelligent person would notice that the carefully chosen clips show a band that has been touring since the 60's and has never slowed down. The majority of clips are reporters and interviewers, (who are not working today) asking Keith, Mick, or Charlie how long they plan on keeping the band together. This is a concert movie. That's all. It's a salute to a band that can still go out on stage and blow every other band out of the water, and a salute to a band that fills arenas with fans who are not there because of the irony, or nostalgia (see: Def Leppard, Kiss, Poison, etc.).

The last movie was The Ruins, which Emily and I watched yesterday. It was mediocre and forgettable, but not as bad as most recent horror movies. The smart thing the film does is make its lead character's believably stupid, thus the perfect victims for a horror movie. Though they make some bad decisions along the way, their path into trouble is not wholly implausible. It's not like they just happened to be walking by and said "Hey, let's check out that old house!" I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone, but the book is supposed to be pretty good. So there, that's something.

Baseball fever

2008-04-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm going to make some bold predictions, so prepare yourselves. I have watched some baseball this week, enjoying the free preview of Extra Innings, the service that allows you to watch every baseball game. It's fun to watch games that would never make it to national air, like last night's Texas @ Seattle, and Colorado @ St. Louis.

Based on the very early action that has occurred, I will now predict the outcome of the season.

Best Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Worst Team: San Francisco Giants

Surprisingly Good Team: Texas Rangers

Surprisingly Bad Team: St. Louis Cardinals

There you have it. Now I will sit and try to decide whether to purchase Extra Innings for the 3 easy payments of $39.95.

Flying Penguins!!

2008-04-01T08:38:00.001-07:00

The BBC has caught an amazing spectacle on film. FLYING PENGUINS!!

Follow to the story

**UPDATE**

Not totally unrelated is one of my favorite scenes from The Critic.

To Infinity and Beyond

2008-04-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

Press release:

Website

Google and Virgin announce Mars expedition and colony

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. and LONDON, England (April 1st, 2008) – Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) and Virgin Group today announced the launch of Virgle Inc., a jointly owned and operated venture dedicated to the establishment of a human settlement on Mars.

"Some people are calling Virgle an 'interplanetary Noah's Ark,'" said Virgin Group President and Founder Sir Richard Branson, who conceived the new venture. "I'm one of them. It's a potentially remarkable business, but more than that, it's a glorious adventure. For me, Virgle evokes the spirit of explorers such as Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo, who set sail looking for the New World. I do hope we'll be a bit more efficient about actually finding it, though."

The Virgle 100 Year Plan's milestones will include Virgle Pioneer selection (2008-2010), the first manned journey to Mars (2016), a Virgle Inc. initial public offering to capitalize on the first manned journey to Mars (2016), the founding of the first permanent Martian municipality, Virgle City (2050), and the achievement of a truly self-sustaining Martian civilization with a population exceeding 100,000 (2108).

“Virgle is the ultimate application of a principle we’ve always believed at Google: that you can do well by doing good,” said Google co-founder Larry Page, who plans to share leadership of the new Martian civilization with Branson and Google co-founder Sergey Brin.

"We feel that ensuring the survival of the human race by helping it colonize a new planet is both a moral good in and of itself and also the most likely method of ensuring the survival of our best – okay, fine, only -- base of web search volume and advertising inventory,” Page added. “So, you know, it's, like, win-win."

The original contingent of Virgle Pioneers will be selected by numerous criteria, including an online questionnaire, video submission, personal accomplishments, expertise in scientific, artistic, sociological and/or political fields of endeavor, and inadequate Google and Virgin personal performance reviews.

Washington D.C.'s new stadium

2008-03-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I caught some of the "season opening game" of the Baseball season. I use quotation marks because of the questionable decision of MLB to play two regular season games in Japan during preseason.

Anyhow, it was a great game and hopefully a great kick-off for the Washington Nationals. It was a story-book game in many respects. Did anyone notice a large amount of "boo's" when President Bush was introduced to throw the first pitch. It was very noticeable. It kind of made me uncomfortable, even though I think the guy is a dirt-bag. I agree that the reaction of the fans is what makes America what it is, but still, it is a public event, he is a public figure, there are no politics involved, it's just a game. Show some class.

It was a tight game until the 9th inning when the Atlanta Braves tied the game leaving it all up to the player who has been dubbed "the poster child of the Washington Nationals" Ryan Zimmerman was up in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and slugged a game-winning homerun. I was kind of pulling for the Braves, but that was an exciting moment. That was the kind of moment they put in movies. It was a perfect night for the Nationals, except having that unpopular moron throw out the first pitch. If only they waited a year for Barack Obama.

Bush's War, in two parts

2008-03-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across a new PBS Frontline special called Bush's War. It is viewable online in all of it's two-part glory. I have watched most of the first half so far, I will try to finish it today.

Bush's War is excellent so far, very comprehensive and well organized. I read two books that were very critical about the Iraq War. One I would highly recommend, if you have an interest in this subject, is Thomas Ricks' Fiasco. Ricks comes off a little left-leaning, but basically states facts and paints a very respectful picture of the US Military and harangues the people in charge, namely Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and the other Neo-Con idiots who got us into this mess. The second book, which is very lefty, but filed with interesting information is The Assassin's Gate by George Packer. What this book does better than Fiasco is illustrate the Ahmed Chalabi relationship a little better, which is covered in Bush's War.

You can really see, through the words of the interviewee's that Bush had no control over his cabinet and he let ego rule and thusly caused the situation we are in now with Rumsfled and Wolfowitz hidden safely and obscurely away. Bush didn't make the decision to invade Iraq, but he didn't prevent it either.

Click here if'n you want to see the documentary.

The Election Heats Up

2008-03-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Senator Clinton Unveils Bosnian Sniper Who Shot At Her 11 Years Ago

Movies from the Weekend "Unconventional Westerns"

2008-03-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

The Wild Bunch is a movie people of my parent’s generation, especially my father-in-law speak of with great reverence. I had never seen it until this weekend. Right off the bat I noticed what must have been shocking in 1969, lots and lots of blood. If you take into account the time period and what was going on in the world, it is not difficult now to look back at a movie like The Wild Bunch and see what the filmmakers were trying to say. Director Sam Peckinpah was trying to take every convention we know about the Wild West mythology and rip it to shreds. Or shoot it full of holes.

This was a movie where Peckinpah decided to tell everyone that Santa isn’t real. The opening scene of the film is a huge shootout where innocent women and men are caught in the crossfire. In the past, John Wayne would take on a whole gang with one revolver. Peckinpah was trying, fairly obviously to say there are ramifications for violence. The men with the guns aren't the only ones who can get hurt. The other message the movie has is that Westerns are old and tired and might be on their last legs. This message is told through the main character played by William Holden. I know William Holden from Billy Wilder’s films Sunset Blvd. and Stalag 17, so it was interesting to se him as a grizzled badass. He leads a gang of outlaws on, what is supposed to be his last score. When things go awry, he has to make things right.

When I watched this film I imagined having never seen violence on this level. This was one of the first films to implement the special effect “squib” or the bloody explosion that mimics someone getting shot. The special effect is used a lot, along with lots of blood and the rare use of slow motion, it must have shocked the movie-going public. It was a movie-going public who was inundated nightly with images from the Vietnam War. It seems that the Vietnam War changed how people understood violence and conflict. In fact, many people were introduced to violence in this way. Some people, like John Wayne, wanted to keep that former image alive.

I want to see John Wayne’s True Grit, which came out the same year. John Wayne was no fan of The Wild Bunch, in the same way he hated High Noon. High Noon was another genre-defying Western that interwove a message of disapproval at the blacklisting of writers. John Wayne’s Rio Bravo came out the same year as High Noon and was filled with everything you would expect from a western.

I’m not writing all this to say I’m not a John Wayne fan, I love John Wayne's movies. I think it is interesting that every time a controversial Western film comes out, John Wayne hates it. He was more interested in spreading a positive message and entertaining people. If you watch High Noon and Rio Bravo together they serve as a yin and yang. I wonder if True Grit works the same way. It comes on Monday March 31ST, at 8:00 on Turner Classic Movies. I’ll have to DVR it.

Yojimbo is a very interesting film on many levels. Based on Dashiell Hammett’s Red Harvest, Japanese director Akira Kurosawa adapts the detective story into a tale of a wandering samurai stirring up trouble in a gang-ruled town. Akira Kurosawa is a director who innovated many of the tricks that are common-place today. Both Spielberg and Lucas are directors who borrow heavily from Kurosawa’s techniques. This particular film has been remade twice, once as the awesome A Fistfull of Dollars, and then later as the awful Bruce Willis film Last Man Standing.

This is a great action movie mixed perfectly with a humor and drama. The story follows a samurai with nothing to do really. So when he stumbles into a town run by two rival gangs, and he sees the effect that has on the local population (the casket maker is the only thriving business) he decides to play one side against the other.

This movie is a glorified Western with the setting and themes. I guess officially Yojimbo is an Eastern, but the dusty terrain and fact that the main character spends most of his time in a “saloon” make it seem very familiar. I highly recommend this movie to any fan of Westerns or fans of good filmmaking.

Western Kentucky

2008-03-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have been checking the scores as they update live periodically and comparing them against my NCAA Bracket. I noticed Gonzaga tanking it today and then Western Kentucky ahead of Drake. I had to check, but I had picked Western Kentucky to pull the upset.

a few minutes ago I noticed Drake had tied the score with about 9 seconds left. I decided to watch the rest of the game online, which Yahoo! sports lets you do. The game went into overtime and both teams stayed within 1-3 points the entire time until Western Kentucky was fouled with 21 seconds on the clock, the play made both shots so my pick was up by 1 point.

16 seconds later the same thing happened to Drake, a foul and two points to go ahead by one. Then, with 5 seconds left, a Western Kentucky took the ball in bounds ran it to the other side of the court, dumped it off to another player well beyond the 3 point range who methodically drained a buzzer-beating three pointer.

I was playing the video as small as possible with my browser conspicuously hidden in the bottom right of my screen. I was afraid of someone seeing me slack off a little. Well as soon as Western Kentucky won in such exciting fashion, I instinctively raised my arms over my head in victory, and segued into a stretch so no one would suspect me, but I couldn't contain my excitement.

At the exact same time I was alerted to a loud yelp. I noticed four of my work-mates huddled around a laptop in another office behind me watching the game as well. At least I pretend to be working.

Help from Celebs

2008-03-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

I read today that Jim Carrey is planning to write a book for depressed people to encourage them to not take drugs to overcome their depression. That might be the funniest thing he has done since Ace Ventura. I find it ridiculous that celebrities feel this urge to educate the public on how to live. Anything one of these idiots goes through, they write a book about it. It seems like celebrities think because they are famous, and they have faced some problems in their life they are now experts.

I would think differently if Jim Carrey was promoting a book by a doctor that helped him, and his aim was to bring awareness to the problem of over-medicating. This bothers me like George Clooney thanking himself for bringing awareness to the Civil Rights struggle and AIDS when he won his Oscar. This bothers me like Ellen DeGeneres ruining a dog adoption business because she didn't follow their rules. What a bunch of self-important idiots.

I think there must be some kind of toxin in money that poisons some people's minds and makes them stupid. Why would I take an actor seriously when he says he is depressed because he is making $20 million a picture? If you have an ungodly amount of money, you can do anything you want, how could you be depressed? It all so stupid.

This also reminds me of one of my days during my unemployed days when I watched a bit of The View with financial expert Suze Orman. You know how she is, the woman who writes those financial self-help books an dresses like a villian.

On The View, Orman was "empowering" the crowd to be comfortable talking about money, specifically how much they make. It was her opinion that We should be so comfortable with talking to each other about finance that we should tell one another how much we earn as if we were talking about the weather. When asked how much she earns a year, Orman hesitated and said "about 5 million a year." I think I would be comfortable talking about money if I was pulling down $5 mill. a year.

Won't You Wear a Sweater? Day

2008-03-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Today is National "Won't You Wear a Sweater? Day." This coincides with Mr. Rogers' 80th birthday in a effort to keep his legacy alive. Many people might not know that I am a huge Mr. Rogers admirer. I watched his show when I was a kid and eventually fazed out of it when I was too old. Then Mr. Rogers became someone to make fun of, because he is a very easy target. And then he became a mysterious entity, shrouded in mythology, such as "I heard he was a marine and he wears those sweaters to hide two full-sleeve tattoos." "Before he died, I remember watching a report about his decision to retire on one of those Sunday morning news shows like "On the Road."

The profile was amazing, I realized I knew nothing about the man who had a part in my upbringing. I watched this report probably 5 or 6 years ago and I still remember it. They shed light on who Fred Rogers was, a happy intelligent man who felt his sole purpose was to educate children and spread a message of positivity and encourage you to use your imagination. He was an ordained Minister, but he kept his message secular. His message was simply, "let's just be nice to each other." He also wrote over 1,000 songs.

The key point about why this impacted me was the fact that he never cashed in on his show. The message was more important. When he retired he was driving an old beat-up green car and lived in a modest house. His mother knitted all of those sweaters that he proudly wore, and never franchised. Don't you think he could have sold sweaters and sneakers, or toys and games? I think so, but he never did. It wasn't important to him. He could have sold records with all of his songs, but he didn't. Back when the VCR was beginning to appear in households, there was a big blow-back from the TV industry because they figured people would be taping TV shows unlawfully and profiting off of them. Fred Rogers appeared in court to defend Sony because he wanted his show to reach anyone at anytime. It didn't occur to him to start releasing and selling his own tapes. He wanted the public to have control over their lives.

When he made his decision to retire, it had to be in part due to his declining health, but he didn't make that the known reason. His reason, as I remember, was that he had done enough shows so a child could start watching and as they grew up and got too old for it, another generation would just be starting to watch. As the cycle went one, they would never see a repeat, there would always be a new show to see.

In an age of everyone being focused on making money, he was one of the only people out there just trying to do good for the most people he could, and he was a living example of that. For all of my attempts at humor (USS Enterprise crashing into the World Trade Towers, Peter Tomarkin Obituary, Wrestling DVD) I have a few Achilles heel's. Mr. Rogers is one of them.

I stopped by Chapel Hill Comics today because they sent out an email telling people about today. Because I was wearing my favorite sweater, I was given a sugar cookie. But I chatted with the girl behind the counter about Mr. Rogers and I said that a lot of people don't get him. They just make fun of him and ignore what kind of person he was. Then I said I was raised watching Mr. Rogers. She said she was too, and paused.

"We were really lucky."

We were.

Time for the tourney

2008-03-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

I readily admit I am not the biggest basketball fan. I enjoy watching games, but I don't make it a point. I know how exciting college basketball is compared to the NBA, for which there is no comparison. I think it is the opposite for football where the professional version, to me, is far more exciting. My problem with basketball probably comes from having no real association to a college team. My dad is a Citadel graduate, and the rest of my family never impressed their individual fandom on me. Most people believe you have to pick one of the big schools when you are a NC native. I root for NC schools in big games, but I don't get too upset when they lose. When I went to college, I desperately wanted to go to NC State, but I ended up at Western Carolina University. Thusly, I didn't get too wrapped up in the athletic offerings. Having married into a University of Florida family, however, I have been able to enjoy three National Championships by proxy.

All that goes out the window for me when the Tournament rolls around. I like trying to pick the games. I try to over-think it and listen to the "experts" by stomaching "Mike and Mike in the Morning." Either way, if you want to join me in my pursuit of Tourney perfection I set up a Yahoo! Bracket thing.

ID# is 112619

Password is bball

The group is called The Basketball Experts.

2008-03-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

This is the funniest commercial of the moment. There is a better quality version on You Tube, but it cuts out the last line that, for me, makes the piece. Anyhow, enjoy.

Movies From the Weekend "Double-Feature with subtitles"

2008-03-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend we had a double-feature of critically acclaimed foreign films. The first was last year’s Academy Award winner for Best Foreign Feature The Lives of Others. This film is from Germany and offers an interesting view of life inside East Germany in 1984. I’m sure it was no coincidence that the movie begins in 1984 and profiles a stringent and loyal member of the “Stasi,” short for Staatssicherheit which is the GDR’s Ministry for State Security. After we learn a little bit about the main character, Wiesler, he is given the opportunity to perform a surveillance operation on the GDR’s most heralded playwright. After attending one of the writer’s plays, Wiesler’s instincts tell him that he doesn’t trust this guy and thus begins over a year of surveillance that gives Wiesler intimate access to the life of an artist.

At first Wiesler is truly searching for any kind of sign the writer is working for the West. Then something happens to Wiesler and he becomes taken with the writer and his life. Eventually, the natural frustrations of living in such a repressed country get to the writer and he begins a plot a conspiracy in his apartment, assuming he is not being watched. Wiesler is now torn between duty, and allowing this inspiring artist the freedom he craves.

This film reminded me of Francis Ford Coppola’s The Conversation, where Gene Hackman is the best surveillance agent out there, but once he is shaken out of his comfort level, for the first time he begins to sympathize with the people he is supposed to incriminate. This film is a love letter to art, and it’s effect on people. The message may be a little watered down in America because for all of our problems, we really don’t have it too bad. We are not really looking to be inspired. Art in America is mostly about cashing out. Mainstream music and movies are simply meant to pass the time and entertain. Which is apparent by the deluge of half-assed Iraq movies that came out last year which no one went to see, and for the most part weren’t worth watching. Any comparisons between Vietnam and our current war aren’t even close. Just look at the art, and you’ll see the difference.

All in all, the movie was great and inspiring. It shows how someone with little exposure to the world, who is comfortable in their little jar can be inspired to want for more.

The next movie in our double-feature was Ang Lee’s follow-up to Brokeback Mountain, Lust, Caution. This film is credited to Taiwan, but is essentially Chinese. All I knew about this movie is that Ang Lee directed it and it featured graphic sex scenes that pushed it to a ridiculous NC-17 rating. That aside, I was surprised how interesting the story was. I expected it to be good, because as long as the Incredible Hulk doesn’t show up, Ang Lee can’t miss.

The film is based between Shanghai and Hong Kong during the second World War. Japan has invaded China and is slowly taking over. The story focuses on a young college student, Wong Chia Chi, that joins an acting troupe determined to inspire the Chinese to fight the Japanese. They realize they can only do so much with their plays so over their summer break the acting troupe will become a resistance group that will assassinate a powerful political figure working for the Japanese. Over the course of several years Wong must become Mrs. Mak, and guise herself as a woman of society, which progresses into a secret affair with Mr. Yee, their target.

Wong uses her sexuality to lure Mr. Yee from his heavily guarded life, and finds herself having a major effect on him to his surprise. Unfortunately, he starts impacting her as well making her job that much harder.

This was a great movie as well, the complicated situation is easy to follow and easy to understand. It seems the simple idea of killing someone can easily become complicated. This reminded me a little of Alfred Hitchcock’s Notorious, in the fact that it is about a woman being placed in a situation where she has to use her womanly charms to dupe an enemy. Also that love is complicated, and both of the women involved in these films have their true love at arms reach, but are forced into a situation that is bigger than them. There are a couple of Hitchcock references in Lust, Caution, so I think the filmmakers were well aware of the correlation.

My rant on the MPAA rating system is this: why bother rating movies for adults? I applaud the use of descriptions. One should not be blind-sided with graphic sex or violence. But why do you need multiple ratings for adults? Is it because most adults are stupid? Maybe that is true, but if the precedent is set, then adults should be mature enough to make a decision over whether or not to go see a movie. It makes no sense to have a rating for sensitive adults and for mature adults. A movie like Lust, Caution shouldn’t have to suffer because sensitive adults want to baby-proof everything. Even without bringing up the many inconsistencies of movie ratings, this alone should make a movie fan angry. Because of the rating, it can hurt the business side of a small movie. Lust, Caution only grosses $4 million in the US, and the NC-17 rating prevents most newspapers from advertising and Blockbuster avoids NC-17 movies most of the time. What is the point? Does it keep our children safe?

Help from The Onion

2008-03-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

I was reading The Onion today and they have recently brought back one of my favorite old features, "Ask a . . . " This feature is meant to be ridiculous wear a reader sends in a conventional question and they get a response that makes no sense. Such as "Ask A Gut-Shot Policemen" would go:

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and didn't want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to be supportive and cut him some slack, but another part wants to tell him to get lost. After all, he seems to be more interested in hanging out with his friends than in looking for a better-paying job. What do you think I should do?

—Tested In Tempe

Dear Tempe,

Oh, God, I'm dyin' over here! Somebody, get me some help, please. Oh, God, I'm dyin'. The pain! Lou, call for back-up if you can hear me. Unggggh! Tell Nancy I love her. Tell the kids to be brave, and tell them that their daddy loves them very much. The pain, I can't stand it! Oh, please help me. I'm too young to die.

Hilarious right? Well I think so. Today The Onion featured "Ask A 1920's Baseball Fan", which is incredible, but in one of the "answers" they make a reference that may solve a small mystery that has plagued me for years. The reference was "Carroll's got a swing so slow you could plant cabbage in it . . ."

The mystery I am referring to is something I think my friend Daniel heard during a baseball game where Dennis Eckersley, affectionately known as "Eck," was announcing. This is where Eck made these cryptic comments, "Well he started sticking his chest out like he's got hair on it, but now he's just out there throwing salad."

I've always thought that was funny, but what did it mean? Could this Onion piece be the key? Did Eck mean the pitcher was throwing slowly, so slow in fact, you could plant lettuce or cabbage? Was this a real 1920's saying that evolved over time from "so slow you could plant cabbage" to "throwing salad?" The truth is out there.

Stand by your man?

2008-03-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

What's wrong with this man's face?

I now have the unique perspective of being married. Marriage was never something I considered I would or wouldn't do when I was growing up. It always seemed like something responsible adults do, like voting or pumping gas. I was also of the opinion that marriage was a business and only existed to separate you from your money, which is somewhat still true. I was convinced eventually, and proposed when the time was perfect. I was truly convinced at the wedding when I realized that a marriage is more about bringing two families together more than anything.

Anyhow, I was fascinated by this picture yesterday:

If you don't know the story, that is NY Governor Eliot Spitzer and his wife while he publicly apologizes for soliciting a prostitute. Many scandals happen to public figures, and it is this same scene; the public figure sheepishly asking for forgiveness while his dutiful wife stands stedfast by his side. Do you think anyone is looking at him? I think people, not unlike myself, are looking at her thinking why her husband would risk all with a prostitute rather than spend a quiet evening at home. I don't think my wife would stand by my side in this situation. I don't think I would want her to.

Spitzer's wife Silda, (an NC native), seems like a hard-working woman who has made a name for herself doing the things expected from a prominent First Lady. Do these people go to a class, or are they just advised by the same people. Why would she stand by her husband's side after making an idiotic decision that makes her look just as bad as he does? Normally, I would think she would be disgusted with her husband and want nothing to do with him. What does she gain by publicly standing by him. I think she would get more sympathy by not standing by him. Where does that come from? It has become the model of public apology with the valiant wife standing proudly, and I assume he will enter some form of rehab and then he will try to sweep it under the rug.

The point is, when I saw that photo it made me feel angry. I never want to put my wife in that situation. No matter how strong she tries to look in the face of this situation, your actions have still announced to the world "this woman is not good enough."

A Done Deal

2008-03-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

My wife and I made a deal last year that was completed this past weekend. She really wanted to see The Other Boleyn Girl and I wanted to see Rambo. After a robust handshake, we agreed. I will say that both of us threw childish temper-tantrums as the show-times for the movies we did not want to see approached. We did it, Emily sat beside me during Rambo, and I sat beside her during The Other Boleyn Girl. Having seen both movies I can point out their pros and cons and compare them in ridiculous ways.

Violence
A PG-13 movie just can't compete with an R. We all know movie ratings don't make any sense. For instance, The Matrix is rated R, and Kill Bill is also rated R. Which one would you let a 10 year-old see? Rambo was on the Kill Bill end of the scale with exploding bodies, limbs flying all over, children being blown up, and much much more. This is not to say The Other Boleyn Girl lacks violence, in fact it has a little, but it could have had more. Three beheadings are nothing to scoff at, but they conveniently edited out the good parts.
Winner: Rambo

Subject Matter
How do you weigh the difference between the two? On one hand you have a pair of sisters who were essentially whored out by their dad to entice the King of England into granting their family favor. Resulting ultimately with adultery, incest, and excommunication. On the other hand you have a tyrannical government kidnapping and forcefully conscripting children, and killing and burning anyone and anything who doesn't fit the soldier mold. You have missionaries trying to help the downtrodden while forcing Christianity down their throats. (Note to missionaries: they don't need Bibles they need drinkable water and sandwiches.) All this ultimately results in rape, torture, and a dabble of pedophilia.
Winner: Tie

Source Material
Emily read the book for The Other Boleyn Girl and I read the Wikipedia entry for First Blood, the book the first Rambo movie was based on. Emily enjoyed the book by Phillipa Gregory and read the sequel as well. From what I read about First Blood by David Morrell, Rambo is a cold blooded killer that is killed by Trautman in the end. That doesn't sound like the Rambo I know.
Winner: The Other Boleyn Girl

Direction
Whoever decided to let Justin Chadwick direct The Other Boleyn Girl should have their head examined. He clearly had no idea what kind of movie he was trying to make. At some points it seem like he was shooting a horror movie during a renaissance festival. If a more skilled director was at the helm, it would have been a much better movie. Stallone, on the other hand, has several films under his belt and knows how to film an action scene. He beautifully photographed Rambo's mutilation of Burmese soldiers. And when people were just standing around talking, they were in the frame and in focus.
Winner: Rambo

Hotness of Female Stars
Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johanssen, or Julie Benz. Hmm, Julie Benz is a nice looking girl, but she was conservatively dressed and kept in a pig pen for half of the movie. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad if the Burmese soldiers put her in an American Flag bikini with knee-high boots. But they didn't.
Winner: The Other Boleyn Girl

Male stars stretch to fit their roles
Sylvester Stallone as Rambo, a 60-year old Vietnam vet living in a Thailand jungle catching snakes for a local snake exhibitor. Oh, and his father is still alive apparently. Or Eric Bana playing the portly Henry VIII.

Winner: Tie

I didn't keep score, and I am too lazy to scroll back up and tally it all up. The point is, Emily and I made a gentleman's agreement and t was seen through. Let it stand as a precedent for future period pieces or select romantic comedies. I might trade Hellboy II: The Golden Army for Sex and The City: The Movie.

Look-a-like?

2008-02-28T10:46:00.001-08:00

Apparently the girls I work with think I look like this dude. They brought in the bottle to show me today. They are probably right, but I wonder what would happen if I travelled back in time to when I was 10 years old? What if I found my young self on the playground and showed the bottle to the future me? What would I think? I would be disappointed, most likely, that I didn't grow up to look like Superman.

The Gregson Street Guillotine

2008-02-28T08:50:00.000-08:00

The Gregson Street Guillotine has claimed another victim. This time it was a biggie. If you aren't familiar with the Gregson Street Guillotine, then you probably don't work at Brightleaf Square mall in downtown Durham. In fact, I didn't know the railroad bridge behind Brightleaf Square was called the Gregson Street Guillotine until I read this blog from the N&O. All I know is since I started here back in September there have been as many as three to four trucks a month that hit the railroad bridge and usually suffer catastrophic damage. We have a betting pool where I work in which we put money down on a particular date every month in hopes of a truck hitting the Guillotine that day. I actually happens that often.

The "Guillotine" stretches across Gregson street and stands at 11'8'' high, which is a little too low for the average truck to pass under safely. Believe me, it couldn't be more clearly marked. There are big yellow signs, big flashing lights, but the warnings sometimes go unheeded. The Guillotine is actually a reenforced steel bar that protects the fairly active railroad bridge from damage.

Usually, when things are quiet we hear the unmistakable BANG of a truck smashing into the bridge. The bridge is located just outside our window. Each accident I have witnessed the aftermath of has it's own personality. Sometimes a truck makes it all the way through, leaving it's roof behind on the street. Sometimes they hit the steel bar and it puts a monster dent in the top of the trailer. Typically, you see the truck get all the way through, but the top of the trailer has been peeled back like a banana. My favorite being the most ironic thing I have ever witnessed. I saw the truck sitting about fifty yards from the bridge with a trail of white material littered all over the road that lead from the brisge to where the truck was parked. As I looked closer I noticed what, at first looked like chicken feathers, was shreded paper. I looked at the truck again and realized the shredded truck sitting there had a logo on the side for a company called "A Shred Ahead". Never have I seen one as bad as the accident this morning.

As you can see in the picture, with my building in the background, the Dollar General truck made it all most all the way through before getting stuck. Whatever was in the truck was on the ground. I heard through reliable people that the truck hit the bridge around 3 in the morning. They just removed the police barricades around noon. So for all you truck drivers out there, turn down Peabody St. before the Guillotine claims you as its next victim.

All Hogs Go to Heaven

2008-02-27T11:37:00.000-08:00

Today I ate lunch at an interesting BBQ restaurant in Durham. I have been working in downtown Durham since September and have done a very small amount of exploring. There are, in fact, a lot of good restaurants around here. More so than Raleigh, I would say. There seems to be a new restaurant opening every week, and they are usually quirky and offer something a little different than the usual fare. Anyhow, this isn't the case with Hog Heaven Bar-B-Q in Durham. That is not a negative in this case, you go somewhere like Hog Heaven for exactly what you expect, good BBQ for a good price. Incidentally, it was especially good BBQ, with great service, by the way.

My interest anthropomorphic spokes-things is no secret to those close to me. For example, a company using an image of a happy bouncing tire with googily eyes and a big smile to sell tires to adults. This act is performed most often, and most fascinatingly by BBQ restaurants where you are generally greeted by a happy pig inviting you to come in and eat his relatives. In some cases he is offering you a steaming plate. Hog Heaven was interesting in the fact that their identity has a theological value. Yes these hog are dead, but they have fulfilled their destiny and have ascended to the highest plane of existence. I'm not sure if they are attempting to create some disconnect from the dead animal and the plate of food in front of you, or alleviate the consumer of any possible guilt. This is a different image than the usual hog wearing sunglasses, or hog playing a guitar that adorn the typical BBQ joint, and it made me feel glad that somewhere up above a happy hog was watching me as I devoured his flesh.

I recommend! Three and a half Porky's!!!

Hours and Hours of Glitz and Glamour!!!

2008-02-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

We left the TV on E! last evening while the red carpet parade was being chronicled by the large-mouthed goofy midget, also known as Seacrest. What makes him a terrible interviewer is his quality of self-importance. He is so nervous and animated as he machine-guns questions, then points the microphone to the guest for a barely audible response. A typical interview was like his with Tom Wilkinson, Best Supporting actor nominee for Michael Clayton.

SEACREST: (As his head flaps up and down like Saddam Hussein in South Park) So, you worked with George Clooney, (insert stupid Clooney question here)?

WILKINSON: ....we tried to....

SECREST: So, what shoe size is George Clooney?

WILKINSON: ...truly honored...

SECREST: George Clooney George Clooney?

WILKINSON: ....the Academy....very nice...

I paid little attention to this portion, but more than I would have liked. It did have a payoff, though. The soon-to-be YouTube sensation where Gary Busey fondled Jennifer Garner.

I also watched (fastforwarding as much as possible) the annual Barbara Walters special where she interviews the Oscar nominees before the show...oh wait...only one of them was a nominee? The line-up this year was Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Williams, Ellen Page, and Harrison Ford. Ellen Page, of course nomiated for Juno, but why the others? Harrison Ford was all I cared about, but I my banked time on my DVR forced me to catch most of the Ellen Page interview. It is remarkable how awful Barbara Walters is as an interviewer. She is almost as bad as Ryan Seacrest, but at least he is doing on the fly live, she should be prepared and polished. I thought with Ellen Page, she was out of her element. She seemed out of touch, in an almost Larry King-like way. Surely she would get a good interview out of Harrison Ford, they are closer in age. This was an example of her being illprepared, or just out of touch.

She named for Harrison Ford movies he had been in and asked for a one word response. After a couple, she said "Blade Runner." Harrison smiled and said "Ridley. Ridley, Ridley." A flush of confusion came over Barbara's face. She asked "Ridley...?" Harrison Ford replied "Scott. Ridley Scott." How could she not know who Ridley Scott is? Wouldn't that be part of the preparation of interviewing someone, finding out which directors he or she has worked with. Especially if it is someone as famous as Ridley Scott. I doubt most casual movie watchers would be familar with the name, but if you are in the entertainment industy it is inexcusable to have never heard of the guy who directed Alien, Gladiator, Thelma and Louise, G.I. Jane, Black Hawk Down, or even this year's Oscar nominated movie American Gangstar. Maybe she is more concerned with the sand her head is currently stuck in.

The actual Academy Awards show was acutally fairly enjoyable. Jon Stewart was funny and seemed to keep things moving along. It did seem way too long, but I'm not sure what they could have cut, because it was fairly concise in regard to having different performances and montages. The coolest moment was after Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová won Best Original Song for the movie Once. They cut the microphone off after Hansard gave a brief speech and when Markèta tried to speak she was rushed off stage. After the commercial break Jon Stewart brought her back out to give her speech, which was worth it. She actually had some inspiring words about art and music. Unlike the Honarary Oscar which, probably deservidly, went to Robert Boyle who was a great production designer/art director who worked on a bunch of classic movies inculding some Hitchcock films. He is 98 years old and by the time he got to the podium he was 99, and he took 30 minutes to thank his family and a few people he has worked with. He really had nothing to say, but took a long time not saying it. Move it along Gramps!

As for the winners, I was pleased with the results. I was most suprised that Tilda Swinton won Best supporting actress, though she deserved it for her role in Michael Clayton. There weren't many more surprises in the big categories. The Coen Brother's are wonderfully bizarre and reluctantly went to the stage three times to collect awards for No Country For Old Men. Daniel Day-Lewis won for best actor to noone's surprise, and comes off as the nicest meek little man. A stark contrast to roles he has played such as the larger-than-life (There Will Be Blood's) Daniel Plainview and (Gangs of New York's) Bill Cutting.

I was a little surprised that The Bourne Ultimatum snagged the sound awards and the editing award. Which for a movie series like the Bourne series, that is quite an honor. In the end, I would note my disappointment in the annual "In Memorium" montage for omitting two names. One being Frank Capra, Jr. and the other being Brad Renfro. I suppose in their haste to add Heath Ledger, they forgot a couple of people who died this year before he did.

There you have it.

The Worst President Ever

2008-02-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

Who was the worst president in our history? I found a game that challenges you to name all 43 presidents in 10 minutes. I thought I would whiz through it, but I noticed about 5 names I could not think of. When I gave up I noticed a name I'm not sure I have ever heard, Franklin Pierce. Franklin Pierce was our 14th president from 1853-1857, and I doubt you'll see his face adorn any denomination of currency. I had to learn about this guy now, I mean, he was our nation's President for 4 years and I've never heard of him. The names I missed in the game, I had at least heard of them.

So I read up on old Franklin Pierce, and he is fascinating. He is considered one of the worst Presidents in our history, but is it really his fault? Probably, but you have to feel bad for him. He and his wife lost two young children to typhus, and a third child at 11 in a horrific railroad accident which Pierce and his wife witnessed a month before his inauguration. Once he took office, his wife became overwhelmed with depression and tried to be as reclusive as possible. Pierce's Vice President, William R. King died 45 days into his term, and the previous First Lady Abigail Fillmore died 26 days into his term, having developed pneumonia while standing outside during Pierce inauguration speech. Pierce and his wife thought taking the Presidency placed a curse upon them.

All of that, and his drinking problem aside, he did repeal the Missouri Compromise which may have laid the ground work for the Civil War. Among other things, he was not asked back by his party at the end of his term and was replaced by James Buchanan. I still think Bush is going to be forgotten as the worst President ever, but Pierce certainly deserves the title.

The Rocket

2008-02-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

I don't really care about Roger Clemmons. I kind of agree with the idea that the steroids in baseball should stop immediately and the past should be, more or less, forgotten. Mainly it is almost impossible to prove anything. It is impossible to prove a player's steroid use 10 years ago. Will these accused players be elected to the Hall of Fame? Here is the answer: who cares. Is it that big of a deal? Why not have a Hall of Shame where they can put Pete Rose next to Barry Bonds? It's not a big deal. MLB has banned steroids now, and that should be the end of it. If Barry Bonds fails a test today, then he should be suspended. If he doesn't, oh well, lets move on.

It's sad to me that our government now has decided to get involved. It's a game, an entertaining but ultimatly meaningless game. Just like football, hockey, NASCAR, basketball, and so on. How much time and money is being wasted on this garbage? Where is the limit to where Congress will take this? Will a congressman from Texas bring Terrell Owens in and harangue him for dropping an important pass? Will they bring in a referee for making a bad call? They are spending our money to perform these inqueries, and I think it is stupid and pointless. I'm no fan of Bonds or Clemmons, and they should be tested monthly if they continue playing. If they decide not to play, then it's over. The sport's writers can then debate their guilt based on heresay and their opinions. Our government should stay out of it.

YES!!! (from CNN.com)

2008-02-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Pentagon is planning to shoot down a broken spy satellite expected to hit the Earth in early March, The Associated Press has learned.

A missile is launched from the Navy guided missile cruiser USS Shiloh during a 2006 test.

U.S. officials said Thursday that the option preferred by the Bush administration will be to fire a missile from a U.S. Navy cruiser, and shoot down the satellite before it enters Earth's atmosphere.

The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because the options will not be publicly discussed until a later Pentagon briefing.

The disabled satellite is expected to hit the Earth the first week of March. Officials said the Navy would likely shoot it down before then, using a special missile modified for the task.

Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, who heads of U.S. Northern Command, told The AP last month that the size of the satellite suggests that some number of pieces will not burn up as the orbiting vehicle re-enters the Earth's atmosphere and will hit the ground.

A U.S. official confirmed that the spy satellite is designated by the military as US 193, according to an AP report.

It was launched in December 2006 but almost immediately lost power and cannot be controlled. It carried a sophisticated and secret imaging sensor but the satellite's central computer failed shortly after launch.

The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret.

Other details about the missile and the targeting were not immediately available. But the decision involves several U.S. agencies, including the National Security Agency, the Department of Homeland Defense and the State Department.

Shooting down a satellite is particularly sensitive because of the controversy surrounding China's anti-satellite test last year, when Beijing shot down one of its defunct weather satellites, drawing immediate criticism from the U.S. and other countries.

I'm Not Backing You Up

2008-02-14T06:34:00.000-08:00

Last night the nice UPS man delivered my Valentine's gift to Emily. After about 20 minutes there was another knock on our door. I thought it might still be the nice UPS man, since knocks on our door are so rare, it is usually delivery people. If I don't know who it is at the door, I never answer. I literally stand at the peephole and watch the stranger until they leave. I know, I am paranoid.

When I opened the door, much to my surprise I found two high school-age boys, both white. One was wearing some kind of patterned hoodie and giant jeans, the other was wearing a ball-cap and dressed casually. The kid closest to the door spoke the entire time, the other never said a word.

"We gotta go door to door for our speech class, so this is a little embarrassing," he said fishing a plastic-covered card out of the hoodie's front pocket. "We are collecting points, and we are in the lead." At this point he turned to his silent partner and they high-fived each other.

He handed me the card and I looked at it, and was unable to determine what I was looking at. It was some kind of home-made certificate with a poorly scrawled signature. He continued, "We'll give you a 'bug-off' sticker for your door so none of the other students come here."

I was still waiting to figure out what they wanted. Then he made his pitch. "Do ya'll have any magazine subscriptions? You remember selling candy when you were in school, right?"

"Yes, we have some magazine subscriptions." (Consumer Reports, National Geographic, some fitness magazine, Real Simple, Light & Tasty, and Game Informer if you were curious)

"You can get new ones, or renewals for a low price..." He handed me a second card with pink highlighter indicating the magazines he was peddling. I glanced at it.

"So you're selling magazines?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to buy any magazines."

"So you're not going back me up?"

"What?"

"You're not going to back me up, man?"

"Uh, no."

"A'ight."

End of conversation. I wonder if that was the speech class teacher's strategy. "If the potential buyer turns you down, turn it back around on them and challenge their loyalty to you. Accuse them of 'not backing you up.'"

I have a real problem with door-to-door magazine sales. I always think there are scam-artists. This began in college on the first day of my freshman year when an older guy came in our room while we were moving in and charmed my brother and I into writing him checks for magazine subscriptions we never received. Maybe these kids were from a school, but I doubt it. And I don't want to back them up.

Commercial rewrite

2008-02-13T08:56:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'm amazed again by what you can find on YouTube.

Now that the Writer's Strike is over I can return to work as a fantasy commercial re-writer. Every time I see this Disney commercial I think about a different ending that would make it usable for a political candidate attacking his or her opponent's economic policy.

My re-write would basically keep the majority of the commercial intact, but the ending would change. The children would still run to the window and see Cinderella's carriage and smile.

[The wife and husband sit at the computer desk looking at the Disney vacation package website. The wife turns to the husband]

Wife: Sixteen-hundred for a week! We can do that!

Husband: Yeah, I don't think so. Times are too tight. Maybe next year.

[Camera cuts back to kids at the window looking down at Cinderella's carriage. The carriage disappears in a cloud of smoke. Poof!]

Query

2008-02-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

Was there anybody better than Curtis Mayfield?

Words for Reading

2008-02-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

I am a notoriously slow reader. On the other hand, I am an avid collector of books. I have a weakness for buying books that I find interesting and plan to read in the future. Off the top of my head, I jotted down a list of 16 books I have purchased and have either read a little or not at all. I have made it my mission to get through my pile of books. I kicked off my quest by finishing a long book a friend recommended to me and I had read about two chapters of about a year ago.

I finished Michael Chabon's Pulitzer Prize-winning 656 page epic a week or so ago. It was an outstanding book. It follows two characters, Josef Kavalier and Sammy Clay for 20 years of their lives starting in 1930's and detail their contributions to the rise of the comic book industry in the shadow of World War 2.

I really enjoyed the care that was taken with all of the characters and locations. You are enveloped in the universe of Kavalier and Clay as you follow them all over the world.

My next book is a lighter read I bought in Savannah, GA while on my honeymoon. It seemed appropriate to pick up a copy of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil while I was at the E. Shaver Book Store on Bull Street. I am more than halfway through this book and it is very entertaining. It is basically a collection of stories about the colorful characters that call Savannah home.

I am trying to pick my next book as I read, I think it will be The Last King of Scotland by Giles Foden. Some of the other books on my list are:

Devil in the White City by Erik Larson
Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho by Stephen Rebello
See No Evil by Robert Baer
My Dark Places by James Ellory
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
The Secret Life of Houdini by William Kalush and Larry Sloman
Moonraker, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and The Spy Who Loved Me by Ian Fleming
Oil! by Upton Sinclair

Thoughts from over the weekend

2008-02-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

*Rosy's birthday, circa Feb. 2006

Rosy's birthday:
It was our dog's fourth birthday this weekend, which was celebrated with a long walk and a trip to Petsmart. At Petsmart Rosy, our dog, got a new sweater, toy, and some peanut butter rawhide sticks that she promptly hid under my wife's pillow for safe-keeping. It has been a while since we gave Rosy a rawhide stick, and she seems to have forgotten what to do with it.

Republican Primary:
I was trying to find something interesting and insightful to say about the Presidential campaigns, but I couldn't think of anything. Then like a light in the fog, I saw an article about one of my favorite idiots, Dr. James Dobson. Dobson is the head of Focus on the Family and is the epitome of someone who abuses the Christian faith for monetary and political influence. I'm not a political expert by any means, but McCain seems to have wrapped up the Republican nomination after Super Tuesday. I think that is substantiated by John McCain's closest opponent, Mitt Romney, dropping out after the votes were counted.

So, after Super Tuesday, after Romney dropped out, Dr. James Dobson decides to swagger into the fray and throw his support behind the distant third place candidate Mike Huckabee. Doesn;t it seem like "too little, too late?" Why hadn't Dobson stepped forward sooner? What kept Dobson from spreading his influence (whatever it may be) and supporting Huckabee until the Republican candidacy had pretty much been decided? It seems fishy, and also stupid. It is almost like Dobson handed Huckabee a life-saver the moment he pulled himself out of the pool.

King Diamond/Grammy's:

My close friends know about my obsession with heavy metal icon King Diamond. For those who are in the dark, King Diamond is a dutch singer who got his start in a band called Mercyful Fate before starting his own self-titled band. King is shrouded in mystery and is the subject of many urban myths that he probably started himself. One "myth" is his claim that he sold his soul to Satan for the gift of seven voices.

Aside from that, he is know for his concept albums and on-stage theatrics. In all seriousness, what I love about him is the dedication to his persona and his creative use of themes. Every album he writes has a story that moves from track to track. His best album is "Abigail" and is hands-down one of the best metal albums of all time, not only for the technical music, but the entertainment value of King Diamond singing a horror story. As for the dedication to his persona, you're not going to see him playing celebrity golf tournaments or starring in the Celebrity Apprentice.

I saw King Diamond live when I was in college, and to date, it is still my favorite concert I have ever seen. I was an RA (resident assistant) in college and I had to report to school a week early for training. This was my second year, so I knew everything already. I found out that King Diamond was playing at Ground Zero, a shitty metal club in Spartanburg, SC., but it was during RA training which had curfews and stiff penalties for any riffraff. So, myself, and a pal of mine from my Graphic Design classes named "Satanic Matt," faked illnesses and snuck out of town about 2 hours to South Carolina to catch the show.

There were three opening bands at, Ground Zero, that night. Two were excruciating, and one was great, but they were standing in the way of The King. Eventually King Diamond took the stage and all of my anger and boredom from the previous bands melted away when he began his sermon. He stood at a cobweb covered pulpit and recited the prologue to his latest album. To accentuate the mood, flames would erupt around the top of the pulpit as a keyboardist played a haunting tune on a keyboard made to look like a frightening pipe organ.

King Diamond played two songs from the majority of his albums to the delight of myself and the dozens of others in the crowd. Oh, did I mention the place was almost empty? Did that stop The King? No way. He charged through the set rife with smoke and lights and an actress that would play certain characters from the songs. He shook hands with everyone twice and bid us farewell. It was amazing.

Anyhow, I was looking at the list of Grammy nominees and I noticed that the King was nominated for a Grammy in the Best Heavy Metal Record category, which he lost to Slayer. I had no idea he had a new album out, but kudos to the Grammy committee for acknowledging a metal icon.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford:

I was a little wary of this movie, based on some reports of it being "boring." True, it isn't the most exciting or action-packed western, but I thought it was an excellent movie. Brad Pitt gives a multi-layered and complicated performance. He paints Jesse James in a fascinating light, as a man who is forced to hide his deep depression and health problems under a guise of strength and stability. His Soon-to-be assassin, Robert Ford, played by Casey Affleck, is expertly played as a young man enamored by James' celebrity. I highly recommend this movie.

Roy Scheider. . . R.I.P.

I have to mention the passing of Roy Scheider. Not only did he create one of the most memorable characters in Jaws but he earned an Oscar nomination for a supporting role in one of my favorite movies The French Connection. He was a great actor who left a bunch of memorable roles behind. Emily, being as big a fan of Jaws as I am of Batman, has a bunch of Jaws memorabilia including a poster in our bedroom and an autographed screenplay. I'll look at these items from now on and think fondly of him.

My TV is haunted!

2008-02-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

The A&E television show Paranormal State is silly, and hard to believe, but I watch it every week. If you haven't seen it, the show follows Ryan Buell, a student from Penn State who formed the Penn State Paranormal Research Society. The PRS travels from place to place investigating claims of the supernatural. The major fault of the show is the creative editing and there is a lot of reaction shots that are never explained.

This week's episode featured a haunted piano.

The marks: A Pennsylvania couple who procure a free piano from Craig's List.

The complaint: Ever since the piano entered the house, a feeling of discomfort entered the house as well. The husband felt strange and anxious and the wife sensed evil and reported seeing the numbers "666" appear on her deactivated cell phone. Also, mice appeared in the house immediately after the piano was brought in. Eerily, mice had never been in the house before.

The investigation: In typical fashion, the PRS team council the "victims" and quickly get to the bottom of the problem. At 3:00AM, which they call "dead-time" (because it is apparently the exact opposite of when Christ was crucified and is the most likely time for things to go bump in the night), the crew set up their equipment and sit and wait. The "tech-guy" sits upstairs and monitors the cameras set up throughout the house. Since the "victims" put the evil piano outside on the porch, that where they sat for the night, adorning it with candles and began asking the piano questions. Of course, at some point, the piano made a noise which indicated a possible communication.

Ryan Buell has a group of paranormal experts on speed dial who are, apparently, never more than a few hours away. He calls one in to give her assessment and she agrees the piano is evil and the husband and wife are not crazy.

note: The PRS team contacted the person who gave the piano away on Craig's List and very belligerently tells them she has no interest in discussing anything about the piano.

The assessment: The piano must be removed! So the PRS take the piano to a warehouse, hold a final "dead-time," and then smash the piano to pieces with an ax. They then take the piano pieces to the woods and bury it, and finally consecrate the grave.

The results: The husband and wife are happy and report no further hauntings or problems.

They said nothing about the problem with the mice, which I suppose couldn't have possibly been living in the very old piano.

That's the typical investigation of the Penn State PRS. They meet someone with personal problems who claims seeing ghosts and they ward off the invisible threats with a combination of old-fashioned Christianity and Pagan rituals.

I'm not sure why I watch this show, but it is awful stupid.

The Dutch get their man

2008-02-05T06:23:00.000-08:00

Last night on ABC they aired a report of a break in the Natalee Holloway case, and it was actually pretty good. The case is steeped in mystery, with underage drinking, late night escapades, a missing girl, a police force who couldn't wait to sweep the story under the rug, and a slimy rich kid from The Netherlands. The police, and their investigation continually hit the dead end that was Joran van der Sloot, the son of a lawyer. He has told several versions of what supposedly happened to Holloway, but still denied he had anything to do with her disappearance, even though he was allegedly the last person to see her.

So for all of the Nancy Graces, Dr. Phils, and Greta Van Sustrens, it took a vigilante business man named Patrick van der Eem to crack the case wide open. Patrick looks like a tough guy, and saw Joran van der Sloot at a casino one night and "befriended him." Patrick gained Joran's trust, then went to "the John Walsh of The Netherlands," Peter R. de Vries to tell him that he thinks he can get Joran to confess his guilt. So the "Netherlands Most Wanted" show set up a Range Rover with hidden cameras. Over the course of several weeks, Patrick would drive Joran around let him smoke weed in his car and prod him to talk about Natalee Holloway. And he did.

The results are a stunning look into the mind of an idiot. I wouldn't call Joran a psychopath, he is just a spoiled brat who thinks the world owes him a favor. Joran thought Patrick was a gangster and he was on the threshold of entering a life of organized crime. So his confessions to the details of what happened to Holloway were attempts at impressing this "tough guy." When interviewed, Patrick couldn't hold back his emotions about what he heard Joran admit to.

ABC flew Natalee's mother to Amsterdam to watch Peter R. de Vries' show before it aired. She seemed satisfied with what she saw. She seemed smart about her grief in the sense that she has presumed Natalee dead, and is purely satisfied with Joran's confession as the end of the story. Intelligently, she knows this tape exists in a legal gray area and it still needs to worm it's way through the very dodgy Aruban court system.

I know this tape would have a hard time getting introduced as evidence in an American court, but is it a legal confession? What are the reasons this confession wouldn't be valid? What is certain is, Joran definitely had a hand in Natalee's disappearance. In the court of public opinion, he is clearly guilty, and anywhere he goes people will know what he did. He will be forced to associate with the type of scum that would associate with someone like himself. I hope this is the beginning of the end of his normal life.

*picture from ABC News.com

Thoughts on the Super Bowl

2008-02-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

I have to endure yet another year of a network desperately trying to entertain me during a football game. As a football fan, I have no trouble sitting through most games and don't require a mental reprieve as a beer company tries to make me laugh. Nonetheless, the Super Bowl is where all the ad agencies roll up their sleeves and go for broke. I remember for many years I looked forward somewhat to the creative budget-busting ads. The past few years it seems the well has run dry. Previous years I don't recall any outstanding trends, but last year's seemed to be kitschy celebrities and talking animals. This year we had kitschy celebrities, a Godfather parody, a Thriller parody, a SNL parody, and a Rocky parody. That was the trend to me, old ideas and pop culture references.

Yahoo! posted a list of "the Top five Super Bowl Ads" which I vehemently disagree with.

#5 was an ad for Diet Pepsi where Justin Timberlake was comically dragged from one place to another being hit with cars, run into windows and walls, having his crotch repeatedly rammed into a post, and finally dropped from the sky.

Why this ad fails: I don't like Justin Timberlake. Maybe he can sing, maybe he can dance, but I choose to ignore him because I don't feel like he has made a worthy contribution to music. In that light, he is essentially being crammed down my throat. Slap-stick humor works only in certain contexts, and this is one of those "America's Funniest Video" contexts. They lean too heavily on the hopes that seeing Justin Timberlake beaten up is funny.

#4 was an ad for Bud Light featuring Will Ferrall plugging his new movie about a '70s ABA team. He was in character riffing about Bud Light.

Why this ad fails: Again, you have to find Will Ferrall funny to enjoy this commercial. I personally think Will Ferrall's act is very tired. This is the 1000th character like this we have seen Ferrall play, and his improv-dude voice is just irritating now. Aside from that, it just wasn't that funny.

#3 was an ad from Tide where a man is on a job interview and a stain on his shirt speaks gibberish when he tries to talk. I actually thought this was funny. We'll see how it holds up on repeat viewings.

#2 was an ad where a company was using carrier pigeons instead of Fed-Ex. The escalation of humor showed the use of giant pigeons for carrying large items that were dropped on a city street. Then the giant birds were shown terrorizing the denizens of Any City, USA ending with a pigeon throwing a car through the business' window. This ad was funny, but not overwhelming. It was better than most of this year's crop.

#1 was an ad for a very cool looking Audi that I will own in my dreams one day. The ad was a direct parody of the famous "horse head" scene from The Godfather including the same actor Alex Rocco reprising his role.

Why this ad fails: It was a good looking ad, but it parodies something that has been done to death. There is a total lack of creativity, in my mind, when the pitch is, "lets do that scene from The Godfather." The movie has nothing to do with cars, and the car has nothing to do with gangsters. They are relying on reference humor which is the second lowest form of comedy (see Shrek 1-3).

There were three good ads; the two from this Yahoo! list, and one from the NFL where they had people vote for the best story from a player. It was funny, and well-done.

Dishonorable mention

•Diet Pepsi ran an ad that parodied the SNL "Night at the Roxbury" skit. If you drank Diet Pepsi Max, you would bob your head to "What is Love?".

Why this ad fails: The ad agency let someone else do the heavy lifting for them. They took a brief phenomenon that played out over a couple of years that eventually died when it was made into a movie no one watched. I guess the statute of limitations has expired and the ad agency in question assumes that their target demographic recognition of their reference will translate in sales. There was no creativity with this ad, the lazy concept involves spending their enormous budget on a few recognizable faces bobbing their head to the music.

This is the prototypical lazy Super Bowl ad. Big budget and a few celebrities all riding the coat-tails of a pre-established idea.

•Bud Light ran several ads where they had a feature to Bud Light that seemed like a good idea at the time, but went horrible wrong. An example is a guy is able to fly until he get sucked into an airplane engine. Not terribly funny or original. The first ad was a guy given the ability to breathe fire. Predictably he sets everything on fire.

Why this ad fails: Not only is it stupid, and pandering to the lowest common denominator, it has been done before. Dairy Queen did a fire-breathing ad that was funny and made more sense for the product. Fire breathing and flying have nothing to do with beer.

• Sobe Life Water made a vexing ad where maniac Naomi Campbell walked onto a sound stage with a little orange lizard. After a few seconds she breaks into dance, and the lizard, now joined by other lizards reenact Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Why this ad fails: Naomi Campbell sort-of dancing is not interesting. The lizard is not recognizable. Maybe if it was Capt'n Crunch or Chester Cheetah, but I don't see a little lizard and think of Sobe. On top of that, we revisit lazy concepts of pop culture references.

All in all, these ad agencies need to get their act together. These commercials are overreaching and over-budget.

Rambo Kills Everyone

2008-01-30T10:45:00.001-08:00

If you have never seen Missing in Action 2, Invasion USA, Commando, or even lesser known movies such as Superfights or Street Knight, then you are truly missing out on cinematic masterpieces . . . so to speak. There were many nights spent in high school and college where a group of us would go down to the video store (we didn’t have Netflix) and pick out a VHS Tape (we didn’t have DVD’s) with a sun-bleached cover featuring a lovingly rendered painting or photo of a sweaty, unshaven hero firing his gun at some unseen target with chaos and fire filling the background. We were not seeking some transcendental film experience, and we were not even wanting to see a film that would teach us something.

We were seeking to be entertained. We were seeking to laugh at the bad dialouge and bad acting that filled the time between explosions, stabbings, and gunfire. For the most part, this genre of films avoided trying to hard to be stylized or cool. They were stripped down, simple, and violent. Apart from that, I have great memories of yelling out jokes Mystery Science Theater 3000-style throughout the movie with my friends that we still talk about.

I remember my friend Daniel made one of the more brilliant jokes I have ever heard during a screening of Missing in Action 2: The Beginning. A big "character" in the movie is the "impassible bridge." If you are unfamiliar with the story, Chuck Norris and some fellow POWs in a crude Vietnamese jungle prison. The "impassible bridge" serves as the only route out of the area. In an act of defience towards the end of the movie the POW's blow up the "impassible bridge" which prompted my friend to say, "That bridge died as it had lived, 'impassible.'"

That brings me to Rambo, the latest installment to the film series that was started in 1982 and last heard from in 1988. Much like what writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone did with Rocky Balboa, he decided to take a simple approach and keep one toe in reality. A very small toe. Rambo is not a movie one would go see for well written speeches or even to learn something about a seldom thought-about part of the world. One goes to see Rambo to see Rambo blow shit up.

The beauty of this movie is that it fits right in with those sun-bleached VHS tapes at Video Wiz. The dialouge is flat, the acting is silly and melodramatic, but Stallone pulls not a single punch when the action picks up. The villains are painted as psychopathic killers as they gun down and burn women and children for the simple reason of wanting to conscript the men and boys of the village into their army. So Rambo goes in and takes care of business in the most shockingly violent way. Rambo delivered to my expectations, which is refreshing when we live in an age of bloated overly complicated action movies like Live Free or Die Hard.

MacBook Air

2008-01-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

World’s thinnest concept, the MacBook Air. I’m not sure who the target audience is for Apple’s underwhelming new product, but only the most die hard Apple fan-boys would line up to buy one of these. To me, it seems like a lot of money for a laptop with fewer features. At it’s most souped-up the cost is $3197. For your money you get a laptop with a 13.3 Inch screen, a 64G Solid State Drive, or Flash memory and the super small 1.80GHz Intel Core 2 Duo. So it's fast and thin as a cheetah. Oh, and I factored in an extra $100 on an external optical drive because the MacBook Air doesn’t have a disk drive. It also has no Firewire port and one USB port.

Consider if you souped-up a 15” MacBook Pro. For $2,924 you can get 2.2GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 4GB of Ram, 250GB ATA Drive, a DVD burner, and a nice big 15 inch screen. Included are a Firewire port and 2 USB ports. Even still you can upgrade further and you’ll be spending between $3000 and $3500 on a much more comprehensive laptop.

I don’t know, the MacBook Air seems stupid. Like I said in the beginning, who is the target demographic? It is certainly not capable of being a production laptop, and it’s price should ward away any casual user. Bah!

Guiness Book of World Records

2008-01-27T19:59:00.000-08:00

Something tells me that the good people at the Guiness Book of World Records need to tighten up their standards. Truthfully, there should be about 5 world records. Like strongest person, tallest person, and so on. My TV wasn't providing anything of value tonight, so I settled on NBC which was counting down the top 100 world records. One of which, in the top 15, was a gentleman who could blow a record amount of bubbles (normal children's bubbles with the little wand) with a tarantula in his mouth. That is an official world record; the most bubbles blown with a tarantula in the man's mouth.

So anyone can pick a record, put a tarantula in their mouth and that becomes a separate record? Say the tallest man in the world is 8'4". Could a man who stands at 5'10" put a tarantula in his mouth and be rewarded with a smart looking plaque? I suppose until someone at 6'0" puts a tarantula in their mouth.

Oscar fever!! Catch it!!

2008-01-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

It was not my intention to have 2 entries about award shows. But I am a movie-nerd, and I always write an Oscar-post.

Atonement:
An extremely well made film about being haunted by your past, and how it will effect your future. As well as how much you should treasure fleeting moments in your life. My initial impression going in was this film would be a boring, run-of-the-mill romantic “period piece” in league with “The Notebook.” I was genuinely surprised how gripping the story was. The same director made the recent adaptation of “Pride and Prejudice,” which I was pleasantly surprised by as well.

Michael Clayton:
I might not have seen this movie had I not heard how well it was being reviewed. This is not an action-packed film, but it is very tense and gripping. It is very intriguing to watch George Clooney’s character pushed to the brink when he is almost out of charm and influence.

Juno:
This is obviously now the most over-rated movie of 2007. The “Little Miss Sunshine” of this year’s awards eerily mirrors my opinion last year. Not a bad movie, but not at all as good as people think it is. Both films forced their labored jokes down your throat and attempted to “intelligently” paint a picture of how awful suburbia is. Instead the movie seem to simply have a heavily generalized view of anyone who lives in a suburban neighborhood. Again, it’s not a bad movie, it’s just not that funny and it is ultimately forgettable.

No Country for Old Men:
Dusty, gritty, haunting, foreboding. I’m out of adjectives. The Coen Brothers have outdone themselves creating a perfect adaptation of the outstanding book. They patiently allow the story to unfold without compromising the ultimate theme. Easily the best movie this year.

There Will Be Blood:
I could use many of the same descriptions I used about “No Country…” about this film. The key difference is Daniel Day-Lewis. He swaggers through this film in a way that steals every scene, and you can’t take your eyes off of him. He makes this film what it is. To me, this is more like “Citizen Kane” than anything. A captivating and comprehensive fictional biography about a terrifying tycoon who gains your sympathy even when he is at his most cruel.

Snubs: Zodiac and Gone Baby Gone were better movies than Juno. I find it shocking that Zodiac was not recognized at all. Even in a technical category like production design.

This is the first year in a while that I feel comfortable highly recommending 4 of the 5 nominees. They were all great movies. Except Juno.

Predictions:
Best Picture: No Country for Old Men. If not, then it will be Atonement.

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis. No contest, which is saying a lot. Kudos to George Clooney and Viggo Mortenson who were great in their roles.

Best Actress: Julie Christie. I saw none of these movies except for “Juno.” The “Elizabeth” sequel was critically bashed, and I have no opinion about the other actresses. So Julie Christie won the Golden Globe so let’s go with that.

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem. Well deserved, but he has some stiff competition.

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett. Seems to be the kitschy choice, but she won the Golden Globe so I go with that. Sorry Ruby Dee. Though they won't win, Amy Ryan and Tilda Swinson were both great in their roles.

Best Director: The Coen’s. I find it bullshit that they snubbed Joe Wright, who was the director of Atonement. He made that movie interesting. In someone else’s hands it would not have been as good. His direction stood out far more than Jason Reitman.

Best Original Screenplay: Juno. The “Indie-Best Picture.” Even though it was very labored.

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It has to win something, right? I still haven’t seen it.

TV is on Strike

2008-01-14T12:58:00.000-08:00

No one has been more affected by the writer’s strike than me. Well, not really, but it has created a noticeable void on my DVR. Between rerun episodes of BBC America’s Kitchen Nightmares, History Channel’s Monster Quest, and episodes of A&E’s The First 48 and the cringe-worthy Paranormal State, there is no network TV. I tried to watch the Terminator show last night, but it failed to capture my attention. Afterwards, I wandered to the Golden Globe's press conference, mainly because I am a glutton for punishment.

I have always thought award shows were lame. The jokes and musical numbers are usually lame. Though, I always watch the Oscars, mainly because I am a movie-nerd and I like to see who wins. I have watched the Golden Globes before, but it is not on my regular list like the Oscars. Award shows hit a new low last night, with two vapid plastic half-persons stood at a podium and not only gave out awards, but their valued opinions on who should or should not have won. The “presenters” were from Access Hollywood, and proved that they need to hang on to their day jobs. Perhaps they put nothing creative into the show because of the writer’s strike, but it seemed funereal, as if it were being held the day after 9/11. (Which would have been 9/12, for those of you playing at home.)

I was a little surprised at the lack of enthusiasm and production. There was no intention to do anything to keep an audience watching. They could have had monkeys bring the envelopes out, they could have had Jello wrestling, bumper cars, or anything to spice it up. Maybe because of the strike they felt unsafe to do anything except have two talking heads riff on the nominees and winners. At two points, when reading the winners of TV shows, Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush referred to the TV show as a movie. For example: When Glenn Close won for the fantastic FX show Damages, he said “She is great in that movie;” a movie that was on every Tuesday night at 10 on TV. The host’s lack of effort made an already crappy production even crappier.

I suppose it could have been worse. Such as the AP story about nominee Ernest Borgnine and his wife throwing a Golden Globes party at their house. Which seemed like a blast “with pizza and champagne as an assortment of publicists, photographers and friends joined Borgnine, his wife, Tova, and daughter, Nancy, to watch the awards-presentation press conference in his living room.”

The AP story continued with a quote from Borgnine about why he’d rather watch from home: “instead of wrapped up in the "hullabaloo" of the ceremony, "because if I want a beer or I want a sandwich or whatever, I'm able to get up and go. These people have to sit there and wait until somebody tells them to go pee."

Sandwich? Didn’t you guys have pizza? Well, he’s 90 years old so he must be doing something right. He’s probably the only surviving cast member of “From Here to Eternity.”

By the way, he didn’t win. Great story AP!!

__________________________________________________________________

A news story today implicated a handful of America’s most treasured rappers for using steroids. Or rather, “performance-enhancing drugs,” as they were referred to in the story. I suppose with all of the digging into these companies that provide athletes steroids and HGH, they came across some famous names that they decided to publicize. Mary J. Blige, rap musicians 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and award-winning author and producer Tyler Perry were named in the story.

My problem is with the wording of “performance-enhancing drugs.” Does HGH help Roger Clemmons rap? Can Mary J. Blige go 6 1/3 innings with her 90 mph. fastball? This seems like a stupid story to write as well. It comes in at #2 behind the Ernest Borgnine story.

The Bore Report – Words for Reading

Best Film of the Decade?

Shaking my fist: A few nuggets about what is pissing me off right now

Crying Wolf

How's your job?

Motivation

Rant about The Rant

Music Video

Tragic

The Eric Cartman Project

The Bump

Things Cell Phones Have Ruined

Thanks, but No Thanks

Beware the Beggars

Mailed in design from Terminator Salvation

There is no Salvation

Dentist appointment

Parents and their excuses...

Poster Design

Quantum of Solace

Men Don't Bake

No on Prop 8

Missing the announcement

Election Thoughts

Self Indulgent Comedies

The voting public

The debate

VP Candidate Lampooned!!!

His first executive decision **UPDATE**

A retraction

How dare you celebrate your greatness

Trailer Analysis

Defending John Edwards

Anthrax - the bacteria, not the band

Two sizes

The Dark Knight

Drink it in...

Going bald...on purpose

George Carlin

HeroesCon 2008

Video Fake!!???!!!!??!?!?!?!!

What's Happening?

Camping Rebuttal

Pisgah!!

Quick Obits

The best video you'll see today...

Indiana Jones Review

Carrot Top...?

Apartment Hunting, Snake handling

Obama's Running Mate

Meltdowns - Contains Foul Language(if you are at work)

Cyclone

Why I love Superheroes

Bathroom Etiquette

What Were They Thinking? Part 1

Carmello, Carmello, Carmello

Great Baseball Game

John Law's Cracking Down

Movies from the Weekend "All Alone"

Baseball fever

Flying Penguins!!

To Infinity and Beyond

Washington D.C.'s new stadium

Bush's War, in two parts

The Election Heats Up

Movies from the Weekend "Unconventional Westerns"

Western Kentucky

Help from Celebs

Won't You Wear a Sweater? Day

Time for the tourney

Movies From the Weekend "Double-Feature with subtitles"

Help from The Onion

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

Dear Tempe,

Stand by your man?

A Done Deal

Look-a-like?

The Gregson Street Guillotine

All Hogs Go to Heaven

Hours and Hours of Glitz and Glamour!!!

His first executive decision UPDATE