Best Film of the Decade?

The best film of the decade is…meh. How do you pick one movie as the best in a ten-year span? It is an impossible task, so I think it would be more fun to discuss the best films of the 2000’s by genre.

Superhero

The Superhero movie genre wasn’t new, but this decade saw more entries than ever before. Where the 90’s housed some of the worst superhero movies ever made, it was the opposite in this decade. In 2000, the first film that showed how well a comic could be adapted was 2000’s X-Men. Finally, after years of development, someone (Brian Singer and crew) figured out how to make the necessary changes to a classic comic book without compromising the core themes, and what made them great. X-Men lead to 2002’s Spider-Man and then we were off to the races. Two high-quality, very successful big-budget superhero movies allowed the genre to grow this decade. I think studios saw that big directors were not needed to make a great superhero movie, and the formula has proven to work pretty well.

X-Men and X2, and Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 are the best of the whimsical, flashy superhero stories. Yet, Spider-Man’s introspection lead to two phenomenal Batman movies that focused on deconstructing the hero. Unbreakable was a great example of this idea. A popular theme from the eighties in comic books was peeking behind the superhero’s mask. The “Watchmen” mini-series changed the comic book industry in the same way X-Men and Spider-Man changed the film genre. Yet, "Watchmen’s" ideas certainly influenced these two films as well as the two Batman films. Finally, Watchmen was adapted into a film which, ironically, borrowed from the films the source material influenced.

So, as this genre had it’s high points: Iron Man, The Incredibles, Sin City; it also suffered low points: X-Men 3, Spider-Man 3, Daredevil, Ghost Rider.

So, my best again are: X-Men and X2, Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Unbreakable, and Watchmen.

Romance

The Romance genre saw an ungodly amount of “romantic comedies,” most of which starring either or both Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. Aside from that, there were a handful of great love stories in the past decade. I tend to enjoy the movies that deconstruct and examine a relationship rather than a “will they? won’t they?” love story.

My favorite movie in this genre was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This movie dismantles a relationship and slowly pieces it back together giving the audience a clear idea of the good and bad moments of love. Another film, I really responded to, The Constant Gardener was a perfect blend of romance and politics. I really liked the idea of a man who assumed things about his wife, and as he investigates her murder, falls in love with her again.

Other notable "romantic" movies I enjoyed: Slumdog Millionaire, Lust/Caution, Once, Brokeback Mountain, Adventureland, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Sci-Fi

There were a few decent Sci-Fi entries this decade and pardon me if I forgot one or two. I am writing this about a month from the release of Avatar. Will it be one of the best Sci-Fi films of the decade? I doubt it. Anyhow, I think Children of Men, Wall-E, and District 9 were the best films in this genre this decade. I would put Watchmen on this list as well, but I’ll keep it in the “Superhero” genre. District 9 was fantastic, original, and creative. I also really enjoyed the gritty, dystopian Children of Men. We sci-fi fans were given 2 new Star Wars prequels this decade. Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Attack of the Clones was just horrible in every way. The acting was bad, special effects over-used, and the story was confusing. On the other hand I enjoyed Revenge of the Sith. Yes, it is unnecessary, but it exists and I was entertained by it. If this were the only prequel, I think Star Wars fans would have been a lot more excited.

Another notable "Sci-Fi" movie was Francis Ford Coppola's Youth After Youth. It's very strange, dark and confusing, but I was engrossed by it. It's like a weirder and much better version of Benjamin Button.

This was a severely overlooked genre this year. But with the success of Star Trek, and the most likely success of Avatar, I hope Sci-fi will be the Superhero genre of the 2010’s.

I still have more genres to roll through. So stay tuned.

The Eric Cartman Project

My brother and I were watching an interview with the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and one of them made a fascinating point about their show. They write the character of Eric Cartman to be, more or less, unlikable, and in some cases, pure evil. Yet, when he claims something is true, he is typically proven to be correct. So every time I watch South Park, I say to myself: "Cartman is always right." So I decided to undertake what I have called the Eric Cartman project to see how accurate Cartman is over the course of 188 episodes and one movie.

The data I compiled showed that he made 60 total claims. Cartman mostly only made one per episode, but there are a few examples of him making multiple claims in a single episode. Of those 60 claims, I confirmed 41 of them to be correct, which means he is correct 68% of the time. Which verifies Matt and Trey’s claim that Cartman is “usually” right. So now I will go a little further into detail about some of Cartman’s claims and my thought process whether it qualified for the list.

Claims:
Season 1

Episode:
Cartman Gets and Anal Probe

Claim/s:
“Stan throws up every time he talks to Wendy.”

Confirmed?
Yes

The very first episode features the first claim, and is proven immediately.

Episode:
Weight Gain 4000

Claim/s:
“Dolphins live in Igloos”

Confirmed?
No.

He was clearly lying, but it isn’t really debunked either. It's hard to tell when Cartman is lying.

Episode:
Volcano



Claim/s:
“He was in 'Nam”
“He describes Scuzzlebutt. Celery for a hand, Patrick Duffy for a Leg, and weaves baskets.”

Confirmed?
No, Yes

He was lying about being in ‘Nam, but his claim about Scuzzlebutt is the first claim that is really in the spirit of the list. Around a campfire, he describes this monster and it is shown to be absolutely true a little later.

Episode:
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

Claim/s:
“Stan's dog is gay.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He is the first to notice and identify Stan’s dog as being gay.

Episode:
Tom's Rhinoplasty

Claim/s:
“He's 1/4 lesbian.”

Confirmed?
No.

I’m not sure he knows what a lesbian is.

Season 2

Episode:
Chickenlover



Claim/s:
“Poor people tend to live in clusters..”

Confirmed?
Yes.

When Cartman the Cop responds to a domestic disturbance at Kenny’s house and asks who is in the house. Kenny’s father rattles off a long list of people that live with them.

Episode:
Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls

Claim/s:
“Independent Movies are black and white films featuring Gay cowboys eating pudding.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

This is proven when we see a Sundance screening and the movie features gay cowboys eating pudding.

Season 3

Episode:
Rainforest Schmainforest

Claim/s:
“Kyle, and Jews have no rhythm.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

If you watch Kyle, he can’t keep up with the other kids during the group dance.

Episode:
Starvin' Marvin in Space

Claim/s:
“The CIA squeeze your balls until they pop to get you to talk.”

Confirmed?
No.

The kids are tortured by the CIA, but they never perform this act.

Episode:
Red Badge of Gayness



Claim/s:
“The South won the Civil War.”

Confirmed?
Almost.

The plot of this episode is based on Cartman being wrong, but going to great lengths to prove he is right. He leads a group of drunken civil war re-enactors to force Bill Clinton to sign a document declaring the South as the winners of the Civil War.

Episode:
Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus

Claim/s:
“He got his period.”

Confirmed?
No.

This is one of a few times when he is confused about what is actually happening. Hey, he's only 8 years old.

Episode:
The Brown Noise

Claim/s:
“Tells everyone about the "Brown Note"”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He confidently explains that there is a note they can play on their recorders that will make you lose control of your bowels. This is proven at the end of the episode in typical disgusting South Park fashion.

Season 4

Episode:
Cherokee Hair Tampons

Claim/s:
“Milk comes out of his nose when he laughs even if he's not drinking it.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

An odd trait he has that is passed to Kyle when he gets one of Cartman’s kidneys.

Episode:
The Wacky Molestation Adventure



Claim/s:
“If you call the police and tell them your parents "molestered" you, they'll take them away.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

This works so well, every parent is taken away leaving the kids to build their own crude creepy version of “Children of the Corn."

Season 5

Episode:
It Hits The Fan

Claim/s:
“’Meecrob’ is a cursed word.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

The kids look through a tome that lists all of the “Cursed Words” that cause destruction and Cartman points out ‘Meecrob’ among them, confirming an earlier statement.

Episode:
Scott Tenorman Must Die

Claim/s:
“He got his first pubes.”

Confirmed?
No.

Granted, Cartman was fooled, and thus enacts his most evil scheme. I feel this is a turning point for the Cartman character. There is really no going back from here.

Episode:
Proper Condom Use

Claim/s:
“Dogs make ‘milk’.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He’s right, but he doesn’t really know what is going on.

Episode:
Kenny Dies



Claim/s:
“Using stem cells, you can build a Shakey's Pizza.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

This is the big reveal at the end of the episode explaining why he was trying to legalize stem cells.

Season 6

Episode:
Red Hot Catholic Love

Claim/s:
“If you stick food in your butt, you crap out of your mouth.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

His claim is confirmed and serves as the arguably clever metaphor about snobby atheists.

Episode:
Free Hat

Claim/s:
“If you offer a free hat at a meeting, people will show up.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Though he meant something else, putting “Free Hat” on the flyer certainly did get a huge crowd.

Episode:
A Ladder to Heaven



Claim/s:
“Kenny's house has robot guards.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Though it seems ridiculous, Kenny’s house is shown to have Terminator-style robots guarding his house. Hey, the kid was right.

Episode:
The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers

Claim/s:
“Sixth graders hate water.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

The wise wizard Cartman makes this claim and for some reason, the sixth graders can’t cross the river to pursue the kids. They don't want to get, wet and generally don't like water.

Season Seven

Episode:
I'm a Little Bit Country

Claim/s:
“He can make himself have a flashback to see what 1776 was really like.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

It takes several tries, but he finally knocks himself back to 1776.

Episode:
Fat Butt and Pancake Head

Claim/s:
“He can't control his talking Jennifer Lopez hand.”

Confirmed?
No.

You have to respect his commitment, but he reveals at the very end that he was faking the whole thing.

Episode:
Christian Rock Hard



Claim/s:
“If they start a Christian Rock band, Christians will buy a ton of albums.”
“Token has a bass guitar in his basement because his family is black.”
“Token knows how to play the bass, because he is black.”
“If he makes a Christian Rock CD it will go platinum.”

Confirmed?
Yes, Yes, Yes, No.

He is pretty dead on with everything he says. He is surprised in the end that Christian music has a different awards system for album sales. Token is also surprised by Cartman’s accurate knowledge of black culture.

Episode:
Grey Dawn

Claim/s:
“Shutting down Country Kitchen Buffet will defeat the old people.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

His strategy is a winner. Old people can't survive without a consistent early meal.

Season 8

Episode:
Good Times with Weapons

Claim/s:
“Kyle can’t throw away his weapon, because he is a Jew.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Much to Kyle’s surprise, he is unable to throw away his weapon. Cartman truly knows his Jews.

Episode:
The Passion of the Jew



Claim/s:
“The Passion of the Christ" portrays the Jews as evil murderers of Jesus.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

He guilts Kyle into watching the movie, causing Kyle to feel the need to apologize to Christians for killing Jesus.

Episode:
Something Wal-Mart This Way Comes

Claim/s:
“Last thing you do before you die, you crap your pants.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Proven twice in hilarious fashion. Also confirmed two seasons later when Chef is killed.

Season 9

Episode:
Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina

Claim/s:
“Jews can't play basketball.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

If Kyle is the example, then Cartman is dead right.

Episode:
Die, Hippie, Die*



Claim/s:
“Hippies are infesting houses.”
“Hippies are gathering for a music jam festival.”

Confirmed?
Yes, Yes. *The entire episode is based on Cartman's correct theory.

In classic South Park form, disaster-film king Roland Emmerich is lampooned. Cartman is the crazed expert predicting a disaster and the authorities not listening, until it is too late. If only they listened to him.

Episode:
Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

Claim/s:
“Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks..”
“Jews also carry a fake bag of gold to trick people from taking it.”

Confirmed?
Yes, Yes.

Cartman really knows his Jews. In payment for saving his life, Cartman orders Kyle to give up his secret gold.

Episode:
Majorine

Claim/s:
The girls have a "device that can see the future."

Confirmed?
Inconclusive.

He is right that the device is in the girls’ possession, but we never see if any of its predictions come true. This is my personal choice for greatest episode, by the way.

Episode:
Ginger Kids

Claim/s:
“Ginger Kids have an incurable disease called "Gingervitis."
“Gingers have no souls.”
“Gingers must avoid sunlight. Some Ginger Kids without freckles can, and they are called ‘Day Walkers.’"

Confirmed?
Yes, Inconclusive, Yes.

A doctor confirms that “Gingervitis” is an actual disease, and the Gingers are seen avoiding the sun. The only question mark is the statement that Gingers have no souls. It seems to be correct, but it is never proven.

Episode:
Trapped in the Closet

Claim/s:
“Anything that is fun costs at least $8”

Confirmed?
Inconclusive.

It seems true, but is not part of the episode.

Season 10

Episode:
Tsst

Claim/s:
“He has several theories about why the nanny doesn't have kids of her own.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Like Hannibal Lector, Cartman turns the tables on the woman from ‘Nanny 911’ by picking her apart psychologically causing her to go insane and quit.

Episode:
Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

Claim/s:
“9/11 was a conspiracy.”
“Kyle was responsible for 9/11, and the urinal deuce.”

Confirmed?
No, No.

In a rare moment, Cartman is wrong about everything. Though he was mislead about 9/11, as we all were.

Episode:
Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy

Claim/s:
“You stick it inside and pee.”

Confirmed?
No.

He claims to know how to have sex, and is wrong. But come on, he’s only 8!

Episode:
Hell on Earth 2006

Claim/s:
“If you say "Biggie Smalls" 3 times in the mirror, he appears.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Amazing how it works every time. You should be careful if you try it at home.

Episode:
Go God Go



Claim/s:
“If he freezes himself, he will wake up in the future.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

It works well, too well.

Season 11

Episode:
Lice Capades

Claim/s:
“Touching a hot wire to someone's blood can tell if they had lice.”

Confirmed?
No.

Imitating what he saw in “The Thing,” Cartman is trying to figure out who had lice. He touches a heated wire to everyone’s blood samples. The test is a fake to frame Kenny. It turns out they all had lice.

Episode:
The Snuke



Claim/s:
“The new kid, Bahir Hassam Abdul Hakeem, is a terrorist.”
“There is a terrorist plot against Hill-Dogg.”

Confirmed?
No, Yes.

Cartman’s instincts are correct that there is a terrorist plot, but he pins it on the new kid because he is a Muslim.

Episode:
Imaginationland: Episode I

Claim/s:
“He saw a Leprechaun”

Confirmed?
Yes.

The movie/trilogy of episodes starts with Cartman betting Kyle that he saw a Leprechaun, and the kids find him. Kyle spends the next two episodes trying to worm out of his end of the bet.

Season 12

Episode:
Tonsil Trouble

Claim/s:
“Magic Johnson has the cure for AIDS.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

Cartman convinces Kyle that Magic Johnson has the cure for AIDS. Cartman, Kyle, and Magic all figure out that he does have the cure, only he didn’t know it.

Episode:
The China Probrem



Claim/s:
“China is trying to take over America, and the world.”

Confirmed?
No.

here we see Cartman at his most bigoted. Even though China is trying to rule the world, it is never proven in this episode. What we do learn in this episode is there is a line even Cartman won't cross.

Season 13

Episode:
The Ring

Claim/s:
“Statistically speaking, the most germ-ridden place in the world is the mouth of the American female.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

We learn this at the end of the episode after Kenny dies from an STD contracted from his new girlfriend.

Episode:
Margaritaville

Claim/s:
“The Jews have hidden all of the money away in their Jew caves.”

Confirmed?
No.

We never see any Jew caves, but I assume he was just lying and trying to incite violence against them.

Episode:
Fatbeard



Claim/s:
“Somolia is a land where they can have pirate adventures on the high seas.”

Confirmed?
Yes.

They teach those Somoli’s a thing or two about how to be a pirate.

Movie: South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

Claim/s:
“You can't light a fart on fire.”
“More people will come to the meeting if the flier says "punch and pie" will be there.”

Confirmed?
No, Yes.

Kenny is killed proving you can light a fart on fire. And a few people leave their meeting in disgust when they find no punch or pie.

Things Cell Phones Have Ruined

Cell phones have a lot of good uses, but I think they have ruined a few things too.

1. Terminology. Sure, there are new terms that come with new technology, but I miss the old terms. Endearing terms such as “Get on the blower and ask for Ron.” “I was on the horn with Dave…” “Patch me through to Kansas City…”

2. Movie plots. They have to nullify the cell phones in the movies and shows now. The writers have to cause a low battery, or just destroy the phone altogether. Sometimes we get the lack of a signal, but if Verizon wireless commercials have taught us anything, no signals are just implausible. Cell phones ruin most plot ideas, because a lot of situations can be handled with a simple phone call, especially when stranded.

3. Driving. Having a “car phone” was once a luxury. Now, cell phones are “everywhere phones.” The prestige is gone. But the quality of driving has gone way down now that most people talk on the phone while driving. Floridians have been bumped from number one atop the bad drivers list. Now when you are cut off in a parking lot, instead of saying, “Stupid Florida drivers!” it is invariably someone on the phone.

4. Watches. The utilitarian purpose of the watch has disappeared and now serves only as a fashion choice. I have refused to wear a watch for years now, due mostly to feeling uncomfortable wearing them around my wrist. Plus, there are very few places where you go that don’t have a clock nearby. The cell phone not only has a clock, as well they have several of the only features watches could boast. Stopwatch, alarm, and a calculator, just to name a few.

5. Grammar. Thanks to “texting”, grammar has been ruined. The fact that you have to press each number on the keypad several times to type a message on most phones has created a need to simplify already brief notes with abbreviations and numbers. “I’ll get back 2 U,” “C U THERE,” are prime examples. I understand the necessity of short-handing messages when you are in a hurry. But the proclivity to abbreviate has crept into messages typed on computer keyboards. What is the excuse for shortening messages when you have all the keys available to you? Laziness, that’s what.

6. Answering machines. Caller ID is an accomplice, but all cell phones come with voicemail, thus rendering the answering machine obsolete. When one comes home, there is nothing exciting waiting for you. The charm of coming through the door was the anticipation of seeing that blinking red light, a beacon telling you someone might care about you.  Now you have to carry your unringing phone around with you, a constant reminder that no one cares. 

7. Flashlights. Wasn’t that the charm of being in the dark? When a thunderstorm knocked out the lights, you’d have to fumble around for your trusty flashlight. Now you just use the powerful LED’s to find the candles. Why own a flashlight? Can you check the weather report with a flashlight? 

8. Bad behavior. Now with cell phones everywhere, we have to assume still and video cameras are as well. If you were having a bad day and flew off the handle and decided to throw an entire race of people under the bus, or worse, spilled something all over yourself, prepare to be documented and posted on the internet. There was a time when embarrassing moments stayed private. 

9. Leg twitches. Remember how your leg used to twitch and you just ignored it? Now it builds false hope that your phone is vibrating. Upon checking, your still unringing phone serves as a reminder that no one cares. 

10. Psychotics. Remember when those charming homeless men and women would ramble and rant in loud or quiet voices as they shuffled up or down the street? Suddenly, well dressed men and women seemed to suffer the same problem. They were popping up in parking lots, malls, and grocery stores. It was the advent of the Bluetooth headset causing this. Now anyone can have a seemingly one-way conversation anywhere they wanted. Now the crazy homeless are ignored, because it is presumed that they are on  an important call.